Perfect New Year's Eve

8 years ago today, Gluby asked me to marry him. It was a cold, foggy evening on a bridge in the middle of the city in which we lived. He asked me if I could make one wish what would it be. Now, we both knew what I wanted (for him to ask me to marry him), but every time I had tried to bring it up he changed the topic of conversation, so I said a few generic answers. He said, "No, what would you really wish for?" I said, "You know what I would wish." And the next thing I knew I was looking at Gluby kneeling on the cold, snowy bridge asking me if I would marry him.

In my head I said shrieking, "This is it!! This is the moment I have been waiting for all of my life!!! He's asking me to marry him!! This is it!!!!! This is it!!!! Holy cow, no way! No Way!! This is it!!" Then he said, "Well?" (I guess he hadn't heard the conversation going on in my head and the excitement exploding in my body) I giddily replied YES!, threw out my arms, and gave him a huge hug. After we hugged a kissed he asked, "Do you want to try on the ring?" I said, "What ring?" He said, "The ring in your hand." "Ring in my hand?" I looked down to find he had placed the ring in my hand when he asked me to marry him, but my hands were so cold I couldn't feel it. We got lucky that I hadn't tossed it into the river when I threw my hands around to hug him. Anyway, he put it on and it fit perfectly. I was completely and utterly surprised and it was a beautiful evening.

Tonight we celebrated the New Year by "chinging" glasses full of sparkling apple juice with our kids while eating chocolate chip cookies and frozen yogurt. I read a few books to the kids and listened to them playing with each other and giggling up a storm while they wait for Gluby to give them their nightly tea. I would definitely rate this as another one of my perfect New Year's Eves: listening to my 2 1/2 yr old saying "pink bunny" as his older brother reads him a book, having my 5 1/2 yr old gently rub his back and say "good job, baby!" as his little brother points to another object and says "yellow bee," and hearing the boys giggle as Papa tickles them while tucking them in. What better evening could there be?

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope your winter celebrations have been joyful and renewing. I have been thinking about you all and hope all is well, even if I am mostly lurking. :)

Happy Bloggiversary to me

A lot has changed in the last year since I started blogging. Many of those changes I never would have imagined happening, but I am happier than I have been in years, so those changes have been a good thing.

I haven't been writing as much of the last month because my real life got very busy (in a good way). I have been inspired by Liseysmom (scroll down to Oct. 27th - GO LM!!) to improve my physical self and I finally started exercising again. I knew if I had a *goal, though, that I would do well until I reached it and then I'd quit, so I didn't start until I was ready for a life change. A couple of months ago I was finally ready and I started walking .6 miles every day. Then I started walking 1.2 miles after a couple of weeks. 3-4 weeks ago I started jogging: .4 miles, then .6 miles, and now .8. I am increasing slowly because I know I'll burn out if I jump in too quickly. I have only missed three days of walking/jogging in the past two months and am happy that I have started to enjoy it (you gotta love CA weather - running in a T-shirt in December).

I have reached the point where I want to spend less time looking at what I don't believe in and start looking for things to believe in. Gluby and I are almost done with Bertrand Russell's "Conquest of Happiness" (I learned so much about myself reading that book), we have been listening to Carl Sagan's "Demon Haunted World" (loooove it), reading/listening to Michael Parenti (lots of stuff by him, love it all), and watching movies (some to broaden our minds and others to turn them into vegetables). I have even started crocheting again (though I usually only spend about 10 minutes a day doing it so I don't get sick of it.)

So, to those who may remember me and wonder where I am and how I am doing, there you go. :) I haven't fallen off the face of the earth (yet) and things are going really well. In fact, I am enjoying CA more than I thought I would. I feel like I am finally starting to live my life again. Feel the love for others that intellectually I knew was there, hiding under the pain, fear, numbness, and fragility that was me for so many years. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this roller coaster ride that I have thus far called my life. Here's to many more years for all of us. *Clink*

*What I meant to say was weight or event goal. When I reach my goal I find that I am then over tired and unmotivated. So this time my goal is to exercise 4-6 times a week.

Button, button, who pushed the button

I swear I don't do this just to push Gluby's buttons. Really. I don't. *Ahem.*

This morning, while in the shower, I started singing, "Jingle Bells," "12 Days of Christmas," O Christmas Tree," etc. This drives Gluby nuts for two reasons. 1) Songs get stuck in his head very easily and take weeks to get them out (one song he had in there for a year or more. He had "I'm a Little Tea Pot" in there for so long he wrote 4 part harmony for it). 2) He is not big on Christmas (to say the least), especially before Thanskgiving.

So he may roll his eyes a bit when I start singing these Christmas songs so early in November (or when I sing them in March. Or June. Or August.), or start singing "Like a Virgin" over my singing so as not to hear me. Especially when "O Christmas Tree" has specifically four words: O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. La la la la, la la la la. La la la la la la la la. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. (I just don't get it. Can anyone tell my why he would not like me singing this over, and over, and over again?!)

I am not, I repeat, I am not singing these songs just to push buttons. And I vehemently deny any accusations even implying I would do such a thing.

Do I protest too much?

Ok, ok, here's a real post

I'm working on a Christopher Columbus post (which I have been thinking about writing for almost a year) and also on the next "portion" of my "exit" story, so hopefully you all will have some long boring posts to read soon.

Last week, before all of the fires, we let our cats out to go get some sun. After about 10 minutes I noticed that they had come back in and that one of them was staring intently at the ground. I have grown up with cats and I knew that look. I tried to figure out what the cat had brought in and where it was. I finally saw it lying at the cat's feet, on the carpet, almost covered up by our bedspread. A lizard.

Now, I grew up with pet lizards and rats, so it didn't freak me out, but I wondered if it was still alive and in agony. I got Gluby's attention, and of course the boys' attention as well, and we tried to find something to touch it with. As we were talking about it's hit point status and looking for it's "life bar," the cat was periodically checking as well by pushing it with her paw. Suddenly the lizard took off and ran underneath the bedspread over by the top of the bed and our dresser. We all sprang into action. The cats tried to stick their noses under the bedspread (it's a king size spread on a queen mattress, so it covers the floor a bit) while Gluby tried looking behind the dresser. I ran down the stairs to go look for a glass jar and a lid and the boys climbed on the bed to see what they could see. (Now I'm singing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain")

After climbing the stairs two at a time I helped Gluby move the dresser and push the cats out of the way. I saw the lizard nestled under the lamp and alarm clock cords, so Gluby got his Marine sword to see if he could nudge it toward me and into the jar. It didn't move the first few times and then took off toward me. I wasn't prepared for its movement, even though I had been kneeling for about 4 minutes with the mouth of the jar ready where I hoped the lizard would run, so I yelped and jumped away as he ran back under the bedspread right past me. I turned around and saw it hidden just a few inches away. I bent down and put the mouth of the jar at his head and pushed his tail with the lid. He ran in and I quickly put the lid on top.

This whole time the boys were jumping around trying to see and to help. They were of course fascinated by the lizard and ogled at it for a few minutes until we took it back outside to let it go. Talk about excitement for the day. And Gluby looooved my yelp, by the way, and giggled, I mean chortled, over it the rest of the day.

Snarkiness

Hi!

Not everything is dire, right?

Okay, I'm not always dire, though Gluby might say otherwise (insert smiley here), so I thought I would write a post about something that isn't dire. Or about poop.

Hm, what does it say about me that I have been mulling over this post for 10 minutes with nothing to say? Maybe I do need life to be dire to post.

Let's see. One of my sister's came to visit me yesterday and we had a nice day sitting and chatting and letting our kids run amok*. We did talk a bit about church stuff, but I'll leave the details out for the sake of privacy. It was really, really nice to see her, though, and I'm glad the visit went as well as it did.

We are getting used to CA, the cold nights and hot days of the desert (hm, now I want dessert), and the yummy multicultural foods surrounding us. Mmmm. Now my mouth is watering for barberry rice.

I love the new place we live in and the fact that I don't worry about running into old ward members at the grocery store or post office. I love that my relationship with Gluby is mending after everything that has happened in the last 5 years. I love the comfort and security I feel when I listen to and watch the waves crash and wash up on the beach. I love the moments when I can mourn my losses and appreciate what I have gained in return.

I have lost who I was, who I thought I was, and who I thought I would be. I have lost my expectations of a Good Mormon Family and the Celestial Kingdom (yah, like I was ever really going to get there even if it did exist). I have lost the support of a community I have known all of my life and expected to always be a part of. I have lost the relationships I used to have with my family.

(ok, now this post is looking too much like the other one - on to the better part)

I love the sense of responsibility I have gained over the last year. If there isn't a God above to take care of the homeless, the hurt, the helpless then I must step up and do something. It hits me a lot harder when I hear of wrongs committed against others or those who have suffered terribly because I don't know "with a surety" that there is a God above who will help these people in the next life.

There is a part of my heart that I am just starting to feel. It is the part of me that is starting to feel sure of things I believe in and have conviction of. It's exciting to realize I have this within me and makes me hopeful that I won't always be this slobbering mess. (Ok, I just had visions of a hairy hump-backed monster drooling and dragging one of it's feet behind it)

I guess I just wanted to say that there is another part of me that I don't always share and it is one that has moments happiness and silliness and pure laughter. Thank you to everyone out in the DAMU who have helped me on this journey. I hope there will be plenty more laughs to share with you all.

*I decided to check the dictionary to make sure this is the word I wanted to use and the first definition of amok is this:1.(among members of certain Southeast Asian cultures) a psychic disturbance characterized by depression followed by a manic urge to murder. I couldn't help but laugh as this was so not what I meant.

I miss

I miss the connection I used to have with my family.

I miss feeling like I could be myself around them.

I miss the highs that came from "feeling" "The Spirit."

I miss feeling hopeful.

I miss community.

I miss "Knowing"

I miss feeling like I have direction in my life.

I miss feeling happy and full inside

I miss "knowing" that there is a God who loves me and knows who I am and watches out for me.


I do not miss always feeling unworthy and so utterly far from being who God wanted me to be that I would never make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I do not miss feeling guilty for being a human being with sexual desires

I do not miss feeling like I always have to be a role instead of just being who I am: mother, wife, visiting teacher, primary teacher, member missionary, former full-time missionary (so I must be good at missionary opportunities, right?)

I do not miss feeling guilty for not being perfect: did I miss a missionary opportunity? did I just commit a little sin and lose The Spirit so now I won't be guided in my life? Did I do enough? I get angry, I get depressed, I lash out. If I had just studied the scriptures more or prayed more I wouldn't have re/acted that way.

I do not miss feeling the pressure to read and study "the scriptures" every day, go to the temple, go visiting teaching, have one year supply of everything, go to the cannery, genealogy, have a garden, read the Ensign, listen to GC/stake conference, feel eternally fulfilled by folding laundry and making dinner, prepare a spiritual FHE so my kids won't leave the church and forever damn my family, look happy all the time so others can see how happy we are and join the church because they'll be happy and fulfilled too.

I do not miss being afraid that I'll read, hear, or watch something that will make me "lose my testimony."

I do not miss being afraid that Satan is out to get my soul and the souls of my family.


I'll probably add more to this list as I think of them. It's kinda late and it's been a hard day.

What kind of shake?!

Warning - this post is about bowel movements (no, not mine!). Keep reading at your own volition (Thanks for the great word, Sid!)

I was reading someone's blog this last weekend, (Thanks LM and Exvestigator!! ) and found a couple of posts about their DD not being able to go to the bathroom for a couple of days due to a camping trip (8/27 and 9/09 were the posting dates). After having been home for a time it became apparent that the child needed to go to the ER to help her out. Everything came out all right in the end, (sorry, I just had to do it) but it reminded me of the 6 months or so that we struggled with our oldest child.

He had a bowel movement (BM) that was large enough to make him tear and bleed a bit. I figured he'd heal up and be fine, but over the course of the next couple of weeks it kept tearing a little and bleeding. And, of course, hurting. Eventually he started to get scared to go and he went 4 days without going. I called the dr. and they said to go get children's suppositories. By the time I got back from the store he had gone, but he had been rolling on the bed and screaming because his abdomen had started to hurt from holding it in. This started a horrible cycle that took months to get out of. (knock on wood, I hope we are out of that cycle!) We'd spend 2-4 hours trying to get him to go. This became a daily battle because if he waited even one day it might hurt the next day because it was too large or hard. Or he'd be so scared that it would hurt that he'd hold it in. I won't go in to details here, but it was hell.

I was talking with a friend about this and she told me what she does (her DD is still having problems and it has been going on for years. They finally have an appointment to go see a specialist). Anyway, what she does is give her homemade strawberry lemonade and a shake. I don't remember the exact recipe I used for the lemonade, but I do remember there was a lot less sugar and only real lemons could be used (for the diuretic affect), but I still use the shake. I'll post the recipe I use for anyone who may need to use it to help keep things flowing for their little ones.

"Caca" Shake - makes about 12 ounces of shake (I think, I've never really measured. I just know it's about the right recipe for my two boys)

1/4 -1/3 of a can of canned pear juice (make sure you buy the canned pears that are canned in pear juice not syrup)
1-2 tsp wheat germ
1-2 pear halves
1-2 tablespoons of vanilla yogurt (the less sugar the better, of course)
2 frozen peach slices
1-2 frozen strawberries
4-6 frozen blueberries
1-3 frozen raspberries
1/6 of a banana to tone down the tartness of the berries. Don't use a lot of banana because it can help stop things up, if you know what I mean. To make thing easier I usually cut the ripe bananas into 6-8 pieces and then pop them in the freezer to use as needed.

At first I gave this to him every day. Then, after he started having BMs regularly without any physical pain or emotional struggle, I would give it to him every other day. Now I do it 1-2 times a week. Sometimes less than that.

I know most of you out there will say "duh" to this, but I'll say it anyway. Remember to increase water intake along with increased fiber intake and, if possible, take the child to the doctor if things continue to go badly. The psychological problems can take months, or longer, to get over if things aren't taken care of quickly.

One choclate universe on a sugar cone coming right up

I have been thinking a lot about the emptiness I feel and how paralyzing and overwhelming the questions in life have become for me. It's like a toddler with way too many choices. What kind of ice cream do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, orange sherbet, cookies and cream, oreo, chocolate fudge, pecan, toffee, coffee, green tea, neopolitan, etc...Ok honey, now pick which one you want.

I was told growing up that there was One True Ice Cream and now I have the opportunity to find the ice cream that I chose to be the best for me. That entails finding out what kids of ice creams exist and that can be daunting. Unlike most ice creams shops, the ice creams I can chose from are not in one location. Part of me feels tired and just doesn't have the energy to figure out what I believe, and another part of me is tired because I don't have much of anything that I believe in anymore.

Because of you

You may have noticed, for those few who still read my blog, that I haven't really posted in awhile. I'm not sure where to start really. So much has happened that I haven't written about that I want to write about. I think I'll start with what has been going through my head today.

The first time I heard Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson, it was her duet with Reba McEntire (who I sometimes like) on TV and I flipped the channel 5 seconds after they started. Eventually, over time, I heard more and more of the song from flipping radio station channels and it started to grow on me. Then, about a month ago, I heard it on the way home and started to cry when I realized this song applied to me. I will post all of the lyrics but I'll only comment on those that really struck home with me.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of the church I learned never to stray from the sidewalk
and I learned to play on the safe side so I wouldn't get hurt.
Sounds like a good thing, right?  Sort of.  I wish I had been taught to
stay in places where I would be safe, or how to be safe if I left the
sidewalk, for logical reasons, real reasons.  Not ones that would make
me so afraid to stray from the sidewalk that I would have a difficult time
walking at all.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of the church I find it hard to trust myself or anyone else and I am
very afraid.  Of everything.  I had a hard time trusting God so how on earth
do I trust someone who isn't supposed to be perfect?  How do I learn how to trust?

I wish I had been taught that people will hurt me and I will hurt others, sometimes
knowingly and purposefully, other times accidentally, and that is just a part of life.
People make mistakes and that's ok and no one is going to hell or will be kept from
their most beloved family members because of it.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

I faked so much hoping and believing it would make it so.  I think I even felt that
faking it did make it so because it would eventually happen.  I had been given that
promise in General Conference talks, so that meant  if I faked it the way they said
I should that it would eventually come and that made it as good as done.   I also
faked it because I felt that if I wasn't showing happiness then others would know I
was unhappy and think/see me as the unrighteous person that I felt I was.

Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I worked very hard to not question or to make the round peg fit in the square hole.
I didn't listen to reason unless it fit within the church's doctrine or cultural
beliefs.  I did what they told me to do and was critical of the world and other
religions, but I did my best to “strengthen” my “testimony” in every way I could.
I tried to forget everything and everyone that didn't fit.  I don't know how to
trust anyone, most especially myself, and right now I just feel a black whole in
my heart.

Because of you
Because of you

If Reba McEntire gets on your nerves and you want to watch it with just Kelly Clarkson, you can go here.

The answer you've all been waiting for (drum roll please)

Why, the man of course!

Riddles and Piddles

There is a man and a dog by a tree in the city of Los Angeles and one of them is peeing. Which one is it?

Yay!

I think we might get to see Sideon again on Friday as we move all of our junk down to CA. I'm soo excited to see him and Scott again! Yay! I know, I know, I haven't even blogged yet about the first time we got together. I think about doing it often, does that count?

Anyway, we have been really busy throwing stuff out and even having a garage sale. It has been really hard but very healing. Some of the things really rip my heart out, like finding Father's Blessings we had written down afterward (which I kept), while others aren't quite so hard to see again, like The Garden music CD (we did toss that one - I never did listen to it). Either way it has been a healing process for both Gluby and I.

P.S. I love getting letters in the mail, especially when I'm not expecting to. Thanks FFG, it made my day!

I ca-an't hear you!

I deny it vehemently.

All I have to say is, "That's not my dog, I don't have a dog, my dog doesn't bite." *blowing a raspberry at Gluby*

Reality Bites

When I thought my kids had lice I really appreciated my sisters frank, honest answer. Basically she said it would be hell (though that was not the specific word she used) and then she gave me specifics on how her three month ordeal went. I loved it because I felt prepared.

I don't know if there is anyway to prepare myself for the emotions I am having at leaving Oregon. Or more specifically, Amber. Amber and I have talked this last spring about the impending move but neither of us could really grasp the reality of it. That reality hit today as I stopped on over for a moment to giver her some blackberries from the bush in our backyard. We talked for 10-15 minutes and then I said, "you know, ironically enough, or appropriately enough, I heard 'Lean on me' while I was pulling into the parking lot and it really made me think of how we have been there for each other." Of course I started to get teary and then we hugged and both started to cry. Then we talked for a few more minutes and then started to cry and hug more (you'd think I was leaving today and that I wouldn't be seeing her tomorrow). I said goodbye and walked to the car bawling. I am still emotional from the impact of reality finally hitting me square in the face.

She has been my rock and comforter over the past18 months. When I couldn't talk to Gluby I could talk to her. When I wanted to get away and giggle about everything and nothing I went to her house (or she to mine). When I had important questions about whatever I'd ask her or bounce them off of her. I had no idea the first time I met her or the first time we really started to talk just how important, influential, and stabilizing she would be in my life. I feel like I am leaving half of myself behind.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you WON’T let show

you just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For ,it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on


YA just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
call me (if you need a friend)
call me (call me)
etc...

...and (finally) back again

We are finally back home now (we got in around 7:30 last night) and it is really nice to be back. We are going to be moving in 2-3 weeks so we have got tons to do (rental truck, packing, finding a job, school stuff for S, packing, hopefully throwing out half of our stuff, packing, cleaning, packi......) so I don't know how much energy I'll have to write at the end of the day. I want to write about our trips in some detail, but I don't want to make a promise I don't know if I can keep. So, to keep you all in suspense and ensure that you will check back often I'll just say that I hope to tell you all about it very soon. :)

I will say this. You know how when you have really high expectations for something and then it doesn't meet those expectations? Like a movie you have heard really was the best movie of the year by people you know and they have seen it like 10 times and then you go and see it and say, "meh, whatever"? Well, meeting Wry Catcher, Sideon and Scott, and Bishop Rick was definitely not like that. I LOVED meeting them and had a WONDERFUL time with them, albeit waaaaay to short of a time. I hope to be seeing them all again soon. And maybe the next time we do my kids won't be so wound up from 12 hours of driving that they literally jump on top of Wry for an hour while we chat.

Journey to infinity and beyond......

Gluby and I are leaving for out trips so we will probably not be posting too much until we get back. If I can, I hope to post while I am visiting family, but we'll see how that goes. I hope you all are doing well and that you will not forget about us while we are gone!

I'm waay excited because we have plans in the making for meeting up with Wry Catcher and Sideon. Yay!!

See you all when we return!

Bullseye

Ok, I've been tagged again (I love it - makes me feel important) by Liseysmom (I know, long time ago, but I've been lazy, I mean busy.)

Here it is - "I quickly write 8 random facts/habits about myself, and then tag 8 people. If I tag you, you had better play".

1. I can't exercise with dirty teeth, so I always brush before I go for a walk, run, bike ride, etc. I also enjoy my food more if my teeth are clean. I guess because my mind is so focused on the grit that I can't focus on the chocolate?

2. I have a small scar on my forehead from my second case of chicken pox - I didn't have it bad enough the first time so I got it again. I used to notice the scar a lot more when I was younger (maybe I just had a lot more time to look at my face before I got married and had kids), but I hardly ever think about it any more.

3. I have quit the habit of popping my knuckles three times over the last 20 years. I actually went 5 years w/o popping them again the first time, about 2-3 years the second time, and only a couple of months the third time. My knuckles were really sore and it hurt to do anything, especially mow the lawn, so I started popping them again. Ugh.

4. My hair used to be straight when I was younger so I would get perms every so often to get some body and wave. The last perm I got was my sophomore year in high school and my hair never lost all of the wave. It's slightly wavy on the bottom and straight on the top.

5. I have dry eye syndrome, which I found out about on my mission. My tears dry up in about 2-3 seconds instead of the normal 15ish. I guess I'll have to wear glasses until I die as contacts are out and so is Lasik (for now anway, maybe they'll come up with something in a few years and I'll have it done when I'm 50 and it's no longer experimental)

6. I used to love to daydream ALL THE TIME! I didn't mind going on long car trips because I would spend the whole time daydreaming. I loved doing boring, mindless jobs at work because I could fantasize that some cute famous actor would see me walking down the street and be mesmerized by my inner and outer beauty. Pfft, ha, anyway.

7. I love to make spreadsheets and piles. Organized piles (I call them organized, to others they are just piles). Gluby says that explains how I can love playing Solitaire so much, I'm just making more organized piles.

8. I listened to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" for the whole summer before my Senior year of High School and didn't get that it was a story and not just a whole mix of songs like you normally hear on an album, er cassette (so now you all know I am over 25 - at least I didn't say 8 track; that would have been Neil Diamond's "Coming to America" ).

I'm going to tag Bishop Rick, JOOM, FFG, Supernova, Gluby (love ya , babe!), Degenerate Elite, T. Wanker (miss you!), and JulieAnn. Sorry if you've already been tagged and I missed it. That means I need you to do it again so I can read it and get caught up! :)

Thank you

Thanks everyone, for you advice and support in the comments on my last post. It helped me to stop and think, which, despite what Gluby may think, is actually a good thing (ha, just kidding - ahem, ok I'll be serious now) Even with all of the anxiety I have been experiencing I am excited to see my family, and Gluby's as well.

I haven't been around as much because I have no homework to avoid and I spend all of my time with the boys now (yes, that includes Gluby - for some weird reason he wants to spend time with me after we put the younger boys to bed) which leaves very little time for me to read up on blogs or post on my own. I miss you all and thank you for reading and commenting (especially commenting) and I do hope to post a bit more before we leave. But, please don't hold your breath. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's demise.

Socks - check; Shoes - check; Anxiety - check

I will be visiting family and friends within the next month and am starting to feel very anxious about it. I haven't told anyone except my parents, siblings and my grandmother. My parents have visited twice since I told them, one planned and one very unplanned, but both of them happened here.

Now I will be venturing back to where I grew up and where most of the people I know are TBM (at least as far as I know) and I am getting very anxious about it. Part of me wants to shout out from the rooftops that I don't believe anymore so I won't have to deal with the shocked expressions over and over again in individual situations when speaking with friends, or even family, who haven't heard yet. Mostly friends though, as I think most of the family I might see on this trip will already have heard.

Do I send an email to my old pack of friends, none of whom I really write or talk to more than once or twice a year yet still consider a friend because we were friends for so long? Do I pretend I am not in town and just not call them? I know at least one, if not more, of these friends will feel hurt if she doesn't hear this from me because we used to be very good friends. I just hate to open that box. Though I know I have to, especially as it may already have been pierced by rumors. At least if I tell them all myself they will have more of the "facts." (though obviously not much more than "I don't believe anymore" will be included in the letter as I don't think they would take well to reading the impossibility of certain biblical and B of M stories)

The Beginning of the End

Gluby and I had been married for 16 months when I finally pulled it out of him that he was having doubts. I knew something was up because he was always upset, angry, or aloof after church or "fulfilling" his calling as the ward mission leader. One day after church I sat down at the table and basically said, "hey, I know something is bothering you and I want to know what it is. You are always upset on Sundays. Why?" He said nothing was bothering him, he was ok, he was fine. I said, "No, you are not fine. I can tell something is upsetting you. Please tell me. Please talk to me." He was silent for awhile and then he said, "I have been having some doubts about the church."

My stomach dropped to my feet and my heart started pounding. In my head I minimized it by saying that these must be just regular doubts that everyone has and everything will be ok. It's just a bigger deal to him because he's only been a member for 2 1/2 years and this must be the first real trial of his testimony. I asked him what his doubts were about. He said that he didn't want to tell me in case they caused me to doubt. I, of course, was above doubting enough to cause real problems, so I urged him to tell me. He again stated his worry about causing me to doubt. At the end of the discussion we both felt like this was something he could overcome by reading, praying, fasting, and continuing to go to church. I also felt he should go talk to the bishop about it to maybe get a blessing or answers to his questions. He didn't get along too well with the bishop so he felt uncomfortable doing so. I, of course, "knew" that whatever differences they had would melt away as the bishop followed the promptings of the Spirit to help him. But, I didn't push the issue because I also knew Gluby needed to want to go.

The next 18 months were a roller coaster ride. We felt hope, Gluby even had what I considered to be a spiritual experience where he "definitely" felt the Holy Ghost and I thanked Heavenly Father for giving him that to help him overcome his doubts. I knew that we were back on track. But he still struggled with so many things, very few of which he felt comfortable telling me. He didn't want anyone to know, and we both felt things would straighten out soon, so we didn't tell anyone.

This period of time was very difficult because it seemed every time we took a step forward we took 5 steps backward. I started to fear he would become "inactive" someday. I subconsciously felt the need to become a super Mormon to make up for his doubts and to be an example to him to help him overcome his doubts and to get blessings in heaven so God would bless him with a testimony and to bring an extra special spirit into our home and and and and and......

I did everything extra mile because I knew we would be blessed and that if I just lived worthily that he would be ok. Or, if he did become inactive, that he would eventually come back. Then he read a quote by Brigham Young condoning the slavery of blacks. Then President Hinckley basically stated his support for war after September 11. Then he went in and talked with the bishop. I vacillated between believing that God was giving us these trials because we could overcome them and believing that Satan was putting these things in front of him and that all was lost. That Satan was out to get him and he was winning.

I remember when Gluby left for the appointment with the bishop that I felt lighthearted and hopeful and I just knew things would improve. I was happier and more hopeful than I had felt since he told me over a year earlier. When he came home I was dumbfounded. Gluby was angrier than I had ever seen him before because of the way the bishop had treated him. I will let Gluby write more about this if he wants to, but the parts that stick out in my mind are that the bishop kept asking him if he was living the law of chastity and then asked him if he ever left would he be able to leave the church alone. He was livid that the bishop would accuse him of having an affair or looking at porn and have that be the reason he had these doubts; that he must be sinning otherwise he wouldn't be having these problems. And then not believe him when he told him he was living the law of chastity as to ask him this question three times.

My hopes were crushed. I was angry that the bishop had treated him that way and I was angry that he had acted in a way that had pushed Gluby further away. Why hadn't the Spirit prompted him to say things that would help Gluby? We were both doing everything we could and yet nothing was changing or improving. Was I not righteous enough to be a good influence on my husband to help bring him back? What was I doing wrong? I was so confused, hurt, angry, helpless and hopeless. And I couldn't talk to anyone about any of it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Yikes, I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted (if you can actually count a two liner as a post). Things have been busy around the house in LemonLand. I finished the term, had my parents out the next day for the weekend (Gluby was jumping up and down with joy at that one), and trying to catch up on things I have left to pile up. Things which are more than laundry and dust. I have been in lurker mode for a bit, just not able to put my heart into much more than a quick hello. I hope that I'll work up the motivation to write a post about what it was like for me as an inbetweener while I was TBM and Gluby wasn't, as well as one about Christopher Columbus. He was actually the issue that allowed me to open the door to questioning my beliefs about the church.

Now that I have you all curious I'm going to go play. Bye!

You gotta love a good snarky remark

I stopped by FMH again today and the most recent post is about praying to Heavenly Mother. The second comment made me laugh.

1. But how can you be sure you get the right mother in heaven?

   Comment by Anonymous — May 30, 2007 @ 12:31 pm

Just a shout out to family

I just wanted to say a big "hi!" to the family members who know about this blog and hop on over. I am glad you stop by to read it!

Now, just to let the frequent commenters and lurkers know, these are NOMs, ex-mormons, or never-mos who know about it, not my TBM family members. I don't think that I'll ever tell my TBM family about it because it would just be too hard for them to deal with.

Things are going ok. I am up and down a lot and have anxiety attacks sometimes, but I have been feeling better these last couple of days. I talked with both of my sisters today and nothing about the "situation" came up while we were on the phone. Can anyone say "Fun!"?

Something dumb this way comes

This is what I wrote on FLAK about my conversation with my younger sister. Obviously this was written before I had talked with my older sister yesterday. My conversation with my younger sister didn't go quite so well. I mean, overall it did, but I started to babble and drool. I so wanted her to not feel threatened by me that I basically said that she should feel open to sharing spiritual experiences with me (please, please bear your testimony to me!) and that she needn't worry about me "mocking" her (she actually said that word) or casting "pearls before swine" (that last one was me. What?! I'm comparing myself to swine now?!? Get me off the phone NOW!) Sigh. I know my sister doesn't really think I'll mock her, but that she used that word anyway, and had the guts to say that she isn't sure she'll feel open to sharing her spiritual side with me, was hard to take and I just fell flat on my face. Fortunately she is less TBM than my older sister and my mother and I think I will be able to "straighten" things out over time. I haven't talked with my older sister yet and really dread it. Overall, right now I know I did what was best and what I needed to, but I wish it would all go away. I am so tired and depressed. I feel no relief of stress or "happiness" or anything like I had hoped I would after sending the letter. I keep picturing myself handling everything with confidence and dignity. That conversation proved I lack both right now! I think that those things will come with time, but that I am just dealing with a lot of difficult emotions and I have never really learned how to assert myself with dignity or confidence. I hope I get it fast before I really do something stupid.

Family reactions

In rereading this post I decided to delete for the sake of privacy for all of those concerned. For anyone reading this for the first time, my family handled it better than I had hoped and things are going well. I have saved all of the comments for my personal records and say thank you to everyone who posted one. If you have questions you'd like to ask me about anything, please feel free to email me.

Oh, that elephant?

Gluby and I had an interesting IM conversation this afternoon while I was trying to study and just kind of comprehend what I did last night. glubyglobglob: you there? lb: yes glubyglobglob: Try and think of one really stressful thing I could tell you. lb: um, one of the kids is hurt and needs to go to the dr. lb: or they are dead lb: bleeding to death glubyglobglob: How about something like, your parents are in the living room. lb: you want to spend $1,000 lb: ha lb: ok, now that made my heart jump glubyglobglob: That would be funny, wouldn't it? lb: um, no lb: really lb: my heart is still pumping glubyglobglob: If your mother was on the floor sitting with 2 looking at blocks. glubyglobglob: If your father was sitting on the fireplace bricks. glubyglobglob: Now that would be ... lb: please tell me you aren't serious glubyglobglob: They're here, honey. lb: because my heart is seriously pounding glubyglobglob: I am dead serious. lb: what? glubyglobglob: No jokes. glubyglobglob: No playing. glubyglobglob: They drove. lb: please lb: please glubyglobglob: Sweetheart. lb: please tell me you aren't serious lb: please glubyglobglob: No jokes. lb: I know glubyglobglob: I would NEVER play with you like this. glubyglobglob: Not for longer than an instant. lb: I think I am going to faint glubyglobglob: So much for waiting til Sunday. lb: do they know that you have talked with me? glubyglobglob: About the church? glubyglobglob: No. glubyglobglob: I just told them I would check on something. lb: did they ask where I was? glubyglobglob: I told them you're out studying. glubyglobglob: What do you want me to tell them? lb: that I am still out studying glubyglobglob: Not coming now? lb: and I am never coming home Ok, so I obviously did go home, but not before I hyperventilated and tried calling A. twice (using someone else's cell phone - what a nice person). While I was Instant Messaging Gluby I considered having him tell my parents that he wasn't able to get a hold of me and then I could take an hour or two to avoid them, but we realized that it would just drag things out for everyone and that I needed to be honest with myself and well as with them. I did drive to A.'s house so I could share my woes with her, but she wasn't home, so I decided I had just better go home. It was probably better this way anyway because I have to do this on my own and crying to A. would just make me feel even more like I didn't want to face this alone (well, of course Gluby is there, but you all know what I mean). This is what I wrote on FLAK about today: Thanks everyone. This is one of those things I'll laugh about later, right? Well, so far things have gone better than I imagined. By the time I finally got home I was as composed as I could be. I walked in the door and gave my 5 yr old a hug and saw my dad. I gave him a big hug and then walked into the front room where my mom was playing with our 2 yr old. We hugged for about 2 minutes and we didn't say anything. We just hugged and it felt loving and nice. We haven't talked about anything dealing with the church or the letter yet. Partly because we went out to eat and ended up going to the store for necessities and didn't get home until after 10:00. By the time the kids were in bed, and their bed was put up, it was pretty late and everyone was tired. So, if anything is said it will be tomorrow before they leave. The nice part about tonight has been that we all know there is an elephant in the room that will be acknowledged, but that it isn't uncomfortable. Part of me wonders if we will talk about it at all before they leave. I can actually see my parents coming out here (a 9 hour drive) to let me know that they love me, that they understand things have been hard and just want to be with me. Of course, I can also see them bringing it up as tactfully and lovingly as they can. And if they overstep any boundaries I want to have up I'll kindly and lovingly let them know. Another nice thing is that none of this is fake, not on their part and not on my part, though we all know that they wish I still believed. I know that there will be times of frustration, with passive-aggressive, angry crap that will come my way, but today wasn't that day, and for that I am grateful. So, wish me luck, fellow bloggers, and that things will continue to go well for all of the involved parties. P.S. Gluby did get a smack for playing with me at the beginning of the conversation. Obnoxious little sh......

Let's hope for the best

It is done.

It

Well, the letter telling my family I no longer believe the church is true is finally is finished. I am planning on sending it tonight.

Feeling Poetic

I am not usually one to write a poem, but today this one just kind of wrote itself as I was, once again, working on "It." ("It," for those who many not know what I'm talking about, is the letter I am going to send to my family to tell them about my lack of belief in the Mormon Church. But, shhhh, I said I wasn't going to mention the letter again until I sent it, so I am trying to be stealthy and just type "It.")

When I am alone with my thoughts
what do I think? How do I feel
when I am not trying to convince others or myself
that I no longer believe it to be true?
When the wall of protective confidence
no longer shields me from me,
what do I believe?

I actually spend a large part of my time trying not to think about this stuff too deeply because the pain, anger, loneliness, fear, sadness, etc. can be overwhelming. So, as I sat here really thinking about this stuff for a change, I found myself thinking, "do I really believe it isn't true? I mean, my actions and words would suggest that, but do I really believe that it is not true? What do I believe?"

I think there is a difference in who I am consciously and subconsciously. Consciously, I think I am not longer Mormon, but my subconscious is still trying to break out of the Mormon thought/feeling pattern. When I think about my mission, or who always I thought I would be, or who I wanted to be, I start to feel sad or disappointed in myself and feel a sense of loss, or I feel like I have let people down. Yet, when I think about where I am at this moment, I feel like I am in the right spot, the only spot I could be in. At least this isn't a confusing time, right?

For those who may not have read it yet, Jer also touched upon this subject in this excellent post. I am definitely mourning the loss of "unfulfilled expectations," and at times still grasp with an "iron-fist" to old ideals, because I always thought I would end up a certain person and be a certain way and feel a need to flail toward them when I feel lost and directionless.

Happy May Day

I have been having anxious dreams every night for the past week and I am so tired. I wake up around 4:30 or 5:30 every morning and sleep fitfully until 7. This morning I read my "Wobblies!" sociology book until 8 and then got up to get the boys ready for the day. I need some good, deep sleep. I can tell my tiredness isn't just from lack of sleep however. It's too bone deep.

I found out today that a friend is being shipped out to Iraq a lot earlier than she expected. She found out a couple of months ago that she was going (she's in the reserves and I had hoped she wouldn't be called), but expected to leave toward the end of June. She is getting her orders in 1-2 days and will leave probably in a week. If so, she misses her oldest son's 5th B-day, which is on Mother's Day. I cry for her, for her sons, for her marriage, for the things she will miss, for the things she will have to experience. I hope that the war only separates this family for the year (yah, whatever, let's just be real and say 16 months) that she is supposed to be gone and that they can get one relatively well after she comes home (I don't dare think of the other option right now. I am too emotional already).

There are so many lives which have been lost and ruined because war and other situations similar though they may not be called a war. I have always felt badly for the struggles and hardships people have had because of decisions people with power have made, but this one is really hurting the most right now.

Inconclusive

The doctor's office called last week (or was it the week before? Anyway) and said that my mono tests were inconclusive. I show that I have either had it in the past, without knowing it, or I am at the beginning stages of it. I think I am at the beginning stages, or was at the time she called, because I am so tired all the time. Now I think I am right in the middle of it because it seems no matter how much I sleep I always feel light headed and tired. That would by why I haven't replied to comments or written much lately.

So, if any of you have any mono stories you'd like to share or helpful information, this is the hot mono spot for the day!

Gluby's going to hate me, but...

Happy Birthday, sweetie!!

Comments

I haven't forgotten about all of you wonderful people who have commented on my last few posts (thank you!). I will reply to you all very soon!

That's Ant-tastic!

It all started 2 years ago when a beautiful maiden with golden hair was delicately partaking of her dainty breakfast.

Ok, so I haven't been a maid in over 7 years and my hair is more brown than golden, but you all get the idea. I was 7 months pregnant and had poured myself some cereal with milk. I talked with S while I was getting my spoon and sitting down to eat, so I paid no attention to my bowl. I took a bite and my mouth was immediately overcome by an acrid, moldy decomposing-earthy taste in my mouth. My face distorted immediately and I ran to spit out the horrid, poisonous monster from my mouth. I wondered what the cereal company had put in the cereal and if there had been a recall I hadn't heard about. As I peered into my cereal bowl the answer floated serenely in my milk. Ants.

This ended up happening two more times before M was born, but not with cereal. Once with chocolate chips and another time with a PB&J sandwich I had left on the counter while dealing with nap time dilemmas with S. Now I can smell them and they smell as bad as they taste.

Gluby once brought me an unpeeled orange that had ants crawl on. I started to peel it and recoiled in horror as I smelled the smell. When I sweep the floor I smell the ones who have been crushed in the dust-pan process as that horrible torrent of ant-scent once again wafts over my face. Or when I clean the counter and catch a few of them on the rag.

So, this morning I was making the boys toast and picked up the butter knife. I turned it over to cut the butter and saw an ant on it. What?! Ants don't like butter! Or so I thought. Anyway, I disposed of the body and wiped the knife off with a paper towel, but it still reeked of the ant chemical smell, so I dropped it in the sink (is it bad that I would have used the knife after only wiping it off with a paper towel?) and pulled out a new one, irritated that I have to wash one more knife because of those stupid things.

The weird thing is that we don't have tons of ants crawling all over our kitchen. I catch sight every once in awhile but there aren't that many. I have started to think it's a conspiracy. The ants are out to get me.

*No ants were killed in the writing of this post.

Very quick update

This must be very quick because I am supposed to be resting in bed (I am exhausted).

A very good friend came over last night and I asked him to look over the letter to let me know what he thought. He gave me some great insights and I changed a couple of things in the letter. The best advice he gave, though, was to not give them the letter until I have gone 24 hours without wanting to make any big changes in the letter. The last thing I need here is to try and keep a deadline and then have something in the letter that I wish I had not hastily added. And, since the reason for telling them on the day tax season ended is no longer there, my younger sister being the only one knowing and not being able to get support from family members, I decided to give it a couple of days.

Part of me is just getting really tired of talking about it and not doing it, (and you all are probably saying, "Just do it already!" :) ) and the other part is glad to have waited until I feel less hurried. I really did start to feel like I was rushing myself, though most of it is done, because there were a few things I just wasn't sure about.

So, now that I have posted about it, again, and not done it, again, I, Lemon Blossom, promise not to mention "the letter" again until I have sent it! And, I promise to write sentences with lots of commas in them for all of you comma lovers out there. :)

Free at last?

Well, tonight is probably the night. I have been working on "the letter" and I swear I have never edited and a paper so much in my life. Granted, none of the other papers I wrote were quite so life changing, but still. Poor Gluby has submitted to at least 5 readings with changes here and there over the last 24 hours, plus at least 3 readings before my sister visited this last weekend. Two other very close friends have also been subjected to this torture and are still among the living, so I guess it's passable. I haven't decided yet if I will post it on my blog or not. I read the email passages FTA wrote and found them to be very helpful - who knows, maybe mine might help someone else. If I do not post it and anyone would like to read it to help them out in writing their letter, please feel free to email me and I will send it to you.

The time with my sister went fairly well. I thought for sure that she would have noticed immediately that I wasn't wearing my garments, no matter what kind of clothes I had on, or seen some sort of "lack" which would have set off her 'apostate' alarms. Fortunately that did not happen. I followed her lead on the subject and, in the end, decided to wait the extra 3 days and tell her with my family so she wouldn't have to suffer alone or somehow bring things out in the open before tax season was over.

We went out to dinner, minus Gluby (why on earth did he not want to go out with four boys under the age of 5?!), and that is when/where she decided to bring the subject up. She said that she knew my older sister had talked with me and they both wanted to make sure that I wasn't offended. I assured her that I wasn't and she asked me something about what was going on. I can't remember exactly what she had asked, but it would have opened up "the subject." The boys once again 'saved' me. All four must have been whacked out restaurant fries and ice cream because they were all bouncing off of the walls. I said, "Maybe now isn't the time to talk about it." and motioned toward the four very loud children sitting with us. She agreed and we talked about other topics and went back to my house. I thought she might bring it up again, but she didn't (maybe because Gluby was in the house with us and she didn't know whether or not she could/should talk about it around him). She left Saturday morning and made it home safely that night. All's well that ends well, right?

Boys will be boys

Gluby is in changing M's diaper while I am in the office paying bills. I hear Gluby making martial arts sound effect noises and M is laughing like crazy, encouraging him to make more. These are the moments I live for.

Happy Birthday to me (yesterday)

Yesterday was really nice and really sucky. We'll start off with sucky and go to nice.

I got home from class and listened to our phone messages (I really have to stop doing that). My younger sister left her brother-in-law's house yesterday and was hoping to head down here today. After I heard the message I was kind of hoping someone in the house would throw up or something. Although another part of me is really starting to feel ready to move on as well. But I really, really don't want to do this. And, as far as I know, she is driving here as I write.

We decided to go out to dinner last night and Gluby ordered a dark beer (similar to Guinness) and I had my first cocktail, a cherry blossom. That went well. I liked my cocktail and even didn't mind the beer after the first few sips. And then my really nice former visiting teachers (we moved out of the ward last october) stopped by to give me a birthday plant (this was nice but a little nerve racking). I was sure they could smell alcohol on me, but it was almost 3 hours after we ate, so maybe not. I hope.

And I have had swollen glands in my neck that come and go ever since I had strep in February. Last night my right ear and my glands hurt so much that I could not sleep because every time I swallowed the pain woke me up. I went to the doctor's office this morning to find out that I do not have an ear infection. Sigh. I was hoping to get something to fix it. They did take blood for a mono test and a CBC, though, because this has been going on for so long.

Now, to the really nice part. Gluby bought me some oil pastel crayon type things and some nice colored pencils that can also be used as water colors or something (I know, this sentence reveals just how little I know about drawing, but I hope to put them to good use anyway - even if it does look like my son drew it), and two nice notebooks to draw in, and a huge chocolate cake (no, there wasn't a party, just us four.) It will take us weeks to eat this thing because it's so rich. Anyone want some cake?

Happy 31st Birthday to me!

Just Breathe

Take a deep breath. I am starting (again) to have anxiety episodes a lot because of the impending letters I will be writing and sending this week. I know that some people would not recommend me telling my family of my disaffection in a letter, that in person or even on the phone is better, but I feel it is better for everyone involved if I don't. I decided early on that I would send them letters so they could have whatever freak-out session they wanted without having to worry about how their ranting and raving would affect what little testimony they hope I might have. And I will be able to thoughtfully write out what I want to say and not stumble over my words and just cry for 20 minutes before I say, "I no longer believe the church to be True."

My older sister called last week and mentioned how everyone was asking about me at my Grandma's Birthday dinner and that she told everyone she thinks I'm doing ok, but she hasn't talked to me much (I admit I have been avoiding them for the precise reason I am about to share). *She asked me if I have a calling at church, if things with Gluby are uncomfortable when we get home from church, if the boys like church, if I have been much lately. She noticed I was reticent to answer her questions and asked me if it was difficult to talk about because Gluby was nearby or if it was uncomfortable for me to talk about it right now. I said yes. And then she said that everyone is concerned for me because I don't talk about my church callings, or church at all, or my spiritual experiences anymore (we would talk about these things in 90% of our conversations, really) and they are worried about me. You know, "if you aren't progressing and striving to move forward than you are sliding backward" and "we are just worried that you aren't progressing. We want our sister to be in the mansions of heaven with us someday."

M picked that time to start screaming because S was doing something he didn't like. I set the phone down after helping the boys, walked into the office and started crying on Gluby.

And a few days before this took place I was talking to my younger sister on the phone when this pleasant conversation occurred.

*"J (her 3 1/2 yr old son) was telling me how S (my oldest ) is in his primary class and I told him that S is not in his class because he lives in another state. So J asks me if S would be in his primary class if he lived here and I said no because he is older. So then he asks me what primary class S is in and I said, 'I don't know.' Do you know which class S is in?"

"Uh, no, I can't remember. The 4-5 year old class."

At this point S asked me about something and when I went back to the phone conversation we started talking about something else, but we both knew we were still thinking about what had just happened. My heart was beating fast until we got off the phone a few minutes later.

All I need now is for my parents to call and say something. So, I am now at the point where I think I feel ready to tell them. It is harder on everyone that the truth is hidden and it will be easier for us to move forward if it comes out. I am waiting for tax season to end so I don't give my parents a heart attack after adding so much emotional distress to their lives. Oy vey.

* these conversations with my sisters are very rare. They normally consist of, "how are you" "what are your kids/spouse up to" "how's the weather" sort of conversations. They are just now getting the nerve to talk to me about these things because (I'm guessing here) they are really starting to worry and figure that I'm just struggling as a single-mother church attender and don't want to talk about my husband's leaving and that they are helping by asking me questions.

Two conversations not to have with your 4 1/2 yr old before talking with your TBM mother

I was running around on Saturday doing some errands and thought it would be a good time to talk with S about Easter. I told him that some people believe in a God and think of him as kind of like a papa that they can't see. They believe that this God had a son named Jesus and that Jesus was killed. Three days later he was resurrected. We talk a moment about what resurrection means and all that. Then I talked about how Gluby doesn't believe there is a God and that I am not sure if I believe that there is a God or not. So some people believe there is, and some believe there isn't, and some aren't sure.

And then I talk about the Easter Bunny and that he is like Santa Claus. Not real, but it's kinda fun to hunt for easter eggs and get candy. That was the best part of the conversation for him. Yum!

So, later that night we are dying easter eggs and, out of nowhere, he asks, "Mama, how do you and Papa mate?" I try not to drop the egg I am painting onto the counter.

"How do we mate? Well, basically we get naked and then Papa inserts his penis into my vagina." (I know, I am leaving out all the good parts.)

"Oh. Is it hard?"

At this point I was trying really, really hard not to smile or laugh or send him to Gluby because I know he will get a kick out of his question. But instead I say, "No. It's usually pretty easy."

And then he asks if it's harder when Papa is on the bottom (what?!!? Oh, yah, he's been watching nature movies. Take a deep breath) Again, I am tempted to send him to Gluby to ask this because I know he'll get a kick out of it, but I don't give in to the temptation. "Um, well, I don't think so." And we eventually move on to another subject.

Ten minutes later my mother calls and I talk to her for a bit. Then M, our 21-month old wants to say hi. So I give him the phone. Then S wants to say hi. Panic sets in. Is he going to talk about how we are dying easter eggs and that some people believe easter is about Jesus' resurrection, but that his Mama doesn't believe in God? Or is he going to say that it's not hard for his Mama and Papa to mate? So, when I hand him the phone I ever so deftly say, "S, tell Grandma all about the egg you are painting!" And then I pray, to whom I have no idea, but I pray anyway, that he does not mention anything about God or mating.

Fortunately for everyone involved he only talked about the purple egg he was coloring with green glow-in-the-dark paint.

I know some (many? most?) people will not agree with how I handled either conversation. How would you all have told your kids about other people's belief in God, your dis/belief in God, and/or sex

Whoa

I am flabbergasted. I was tooling around today and found a post by Life in the Fast Lane (March 8, 2007) that mentions me. Me! I cannot tell you how quickly my jaw hit the floor when I read "An excellent post by Lemon Blossom really made me think about the roots of religion and why people feel such a need for it." I wrote an excellent post?! I made someone think?! Seriously, I feel like my blog is all fluff and complaining about how hard things are right now, so to see that at least once I have made someone think makes me want to write about something else that might be thought provoking. So, here goes...

*Silence*

Um, ok, hold on. This is embarrassing.

*Silence*

Well, folks, I guess that confirms it. This blog will only have one thought provoking post in it, so if you want to think you can go visit Equality, Gluby, or Mormon Stories. If you want fluff and someone to complain with, come visit me!

Good and Bad News

The good news is my sister is not coming this weekend like we had planned, so that gives me a couple of weeks to work on things some more. The bad news is she isn't coming because she had a nervous breakdown. Her husband has been out of town on business for the last 4-6 weeks. She is pregnant with their third child, she has a 3 1/2 yr old, a 2 yr old, and she just moved them 2 weeks ago. It's no wonder she broke down as he was leaving his brother's house to head back to work. (She went out to spend a couple of days with her husband and they all went to his brother's house for a visit. She was planning on stopping through here on her way home.)

Now I am really glad that she didn't come. She would not have handled the news well at all, poor girl. She said she would like to stop by on her way back home, though, so she'll come and visit when she is feeling better. I am glad that she is able to stay with friends/family who also have kids and who can help her with her boys.

Oh, and Happy Bunny Day tomorrow!

My worst case scenario....

would be to have family come over to visit before I am ready to tell them about my disaffection.

It looks like my worst case scenario just might happen this weekend. I got a call from my younger sister a couple of days ago saying she's only about 4 1/2 hours away and was wondering if she and her two boys can come by and visit. Sure! The sad thing is, she has no idea what she's in for. Neither do I, for that matter.

I love drugs!

Sorry everyone! I know I haven't replied to any comments on my last two posts. With those papers and the flu I've had over the last couple of weeks I just haven't had the time. Now I found out I have strep throat. So, I think I'll be out of commission for another couple of days. I love your comments and will get back on top of things in a couple of days. And if this post doesn't make sense it's because I haven't eaten for two days and am on vicodin for the pain so I can hopefully start eating soon.

By the way, if you want something good to read check out Amber's blog. I think she's great (ok, I'm a little biased as she is my best friend, but she really is a neat person!) and think you all would love her. I had no idea just how similar Sikhism and Mormonism were until I met her and we got to talking.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Papers and papers and papers

Ok, I have finished one paper, now on to the next. I have until 10:00 AM on Thursday to read the preface and four chapters in Ernest Renan's The Life of Jesus and write a 6-7 page paper. I know I can do it and am actually a little excited to read stuff about Jesus in a post-TBM-transitional phase perspective, but I still have a question. Is the term over yet?

The Best Movies are B movies (or LB movies)

This is for all of you cat lovers out there.


*cue deep, ominous man's voice and mysterious music*
Coming soon to a blog near you! The best blog of the season! (Bloggington Post) A must see! (The Blogexeter)

*dramatic pause*

The Return of Lemon Blossom: The Haunting Love Story of a Demonic Goddess

*mysterious music fades*

(or maybe just a return to my regular emotional breakdown posts. I haven't been able to decide yet.)

Cards

These were too funny not to share.

Valentine Cards

Too many holidays to choose from!

Some of these are just hilarious!

History

I just realized the other day that I haven't really mentioned my background that much, so I thought I would introduce myself. Hi, my name is Lemon Blossom and I am a mormonholic.

I grew up in a very TBM family. I was the third of four children, 3 girls and one boy. My dad has been in the Bishopric 3 or 4 times. He was just released as bishop this last October. Going to church on Sundays was a given, as was every church activity we could go to. I remember giving Books of Mormon away to our neighbors, inviting them to Primary activities, highlighting scriptures as a family, and FHE almost every Monday. One of my favorite memories is playing softball as a family for FHE. I also remember getting up early to read scriptures and pray as a family. I think doing all of these activities did bring us closer together after we all grew up, but now it is the reason I don't want to talk to them, and why I have such a heavy heart and anxiety. I don't know, maybe putting it off is making it worse?

Anway, I went to four years of seminary, every EFY event I could go to, church dances, I wrote in my journal, I played piano in RS, Primary, YW, sacrament, and while on my mission. I was as Mormon as I could possibly be. I wasn't perfect at doing everything right, as is expected, but I put as much of myself into it as I could. Which leads me to Paul H. Dunn.

I remember hearing about Paul H. Dunn (though I didn't know the GA's name at the time, I had heard about his talks not being exactly truthful) when I was younger and subconsciously decided to believe everything to a certain extent, but I always left room for doubt. One day I was pondering this truthfulness in talks after a nice day at church hearing inspiring talks. I decided that it was possible they weren't completely true, so I would leave room for doubt. They were probably mostly true anyway. Then I remember thinking, "I'll even leave room for doubt about the church. That way, if it's false, I won't be so broken up about it. But, of course, it is true, so I don't need to really, but just in case..." Then I stopped thinking about it and went about my day. Dang I'm good at compartmentalizing.

I was/am a people pleaser and didn't like confrontation. I didn't want attention unless I specifically asked for it, so, growing up, I didn't ever really participate in gospel discussions unless I didn't have to "debate" them. I think this part of myself is part of my problem today. I don't know how to stand on my own because I haven't ever really had to do it. And I don't want to close any options. I picture myself sitting on cement, surrounded by several pools of water unable to swim or even dip my toes into any of them because I might find out too late that I chose wrong. Or that it closes me off to other options. So, I just sit having lots of options, but never choosing.

And yet another

Oh, and I sneeze really loud. I can't sneeze softly or daintily. It's not a problem if I am at home or only sneeze once or twice. But when I am in public and I can't stop sneezing and I get a headache from it, then it's a problem.

Man, I can hear my sneezes echo up and down the school hallway....

Tagged - 6 Weird Things/Experiences

Freckle Face Girl tagged me on Tuesday, so I get to think of 6 more weird things about myself. Thanks FFG!

*I decided to change the title because Gluby pointed out that some of the weird things I posted are more experiences I had than personality quirks. :)

It takes an exceptionally long time for anesthesia to work on me, but when it does, it works! This weird thing goes along with the next one as well.

The anesthesiologist who gave me my epidural when my first son was born is the only person I still want to curse to this day. Arrogant son of...anyway. He gave me the initial shot in my spine to numb the spot where they would insert the catheter for the epidural. It takes a long time for anesthesia to work on me, as already stated, but he wouldn't stop and listen to me. So, when he shoved, yes shoved, the catheter in my back, it was as if he hadn't given me anything to numb my back at all. Then he yelled at me for moving, pushed me back into the hunched position, and continued to shove and manipulate the catheter into place. I almost fainted.

I had the baby and everything went well, except that I couldn't walk for a long time. I gave birth at 10:00 PM and still couldn't walk at 6:00 AM. The nurse finally had me lean on her so I could go to the bathroom. I almost fainted again and I had to have 2 nurses pull me back to my bed. Talk about fun.

I hate the phrase "that wasn't so bad, was it?"

When I was 8 I had 4 permanent teeth pulled. They had a lot of patients to see that day and couldn't wait for the anesthesia to work. They gave me shots, gas, and something else. Nothing worked because I could still feel them working on my teeth. So they gave me more shots. Finally they just had to start working. My mother was in the waiting room and could hear me screaming the whole time. After they were finally done torturing me, the dentist had the gall to pat me on the back and say, "That wasn't so bad, was it?" I glared at him and, with all the dignity I could muster, painstaking muttered "Yeth." It wasn't until the next morning that I could feel my mouth and tongue completely again.

At the age of 8 I almost had to have my leg amputated.

My family and I were making our own sand box and I ended up slicing two of my toes on a garden hoe. I got 8 or 10 stitches and didn't walk for a week. When we returned to the doctor's office he said that there was an infection that had made it's way up the top of my calf muscle and that if I didn't start walking on it they would have to amputate my leg. I'm not sure if that was just a scare tactic or if that was really the only option, but it worked. I have never felt pain like that before, but talk about walking on pins and needles.

I have a bad nervous habit.

I pull on my eyelashes and eyebrows. When I am stressed I pull them a lot. A few times I have pulled them enough that I have bare spots on my eyebrows.


I can't wear contacts or get lasik

I have dry eye syndrome. I found out about it on my mission, but I didn't know what it was called because I forgot what the Italian eye doctor told me. She just said not to wear my contacts until after I got home from my mission. I get home and find out that I basically have to wear glasses for the rest of my life.

I have/had hypothyroiditis.

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis when I was 11 or 12. I was supposed to take synthetic thyroid pills for the rest of my life. When I was 18 my family and I started going to the Myotherapy College of Utah and I started taking some kind of organic thyroid pill and eventually (about 18 months later) was able to wean myself off of them. I still have to take them every once in awhile when my body is just way too taxed, but I haven't had to take them daily since then.

I didn't tag anyone else the last time I was tagged, but I am not going to be so nice this time. I'm going to tag Jer (maybe this will inspire him to post again soon!), Amber, Supernova, and Michelle. If you have already done this tag, or don't want everyone knowing just how weird you are, then write about the 6 most memorable moments from your life. Or you could just ignore me and I'll cry over here in the corner. Sniffle.

Dam it

Like the tide of the ocean, I feel there is an ebb and flow to life. Sometimes the lapping of the waves is refreshing and invigorating, while at other times it is insistent and overwhelming. The emotions I feel right now have this same ebb and flow, and at times seem to take over my life. When it feels that the sadness, anxiety, anger, confusion, or pain will push through the protective wall I have built around them so I can continue to function in life, I start to crash. Sometimes I am able to slowly let something out to ease the pressure building up inside and deal with little bits here and there, but other times it seems everyone and everything else around me must suffer. Gluby, my kids, my house, my schoolwork. Me. I wonder, if I just let the dam break, would I really be able to recover myself, or would I break as well?

Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations

Today, we are going to talk about sex. And, no, you have not been magically transported over to T.Wanker's Mormon Erotica blog, though he probably knows more about this stuff than my professor does. :)

Last Tuesday's topic in my women history class was Victorian Sexuality: Hysteria, Surgery, and the Vibrator. I felt this information was important for the eternities, so I must be a member missionary and teach those who may not know.

Female hysteria was the diagnosis for 25% of women during the 1800s when they had an ailment with no explainable cause. It had 75 possible symptoms and was found mostly in middle class white women (lower class women suffering the same symptoms were told it was caused by fatigue or sensuality). Some of the early treatments for hysteria were: injections of chemicals, milk, water or tea into the uterus; cauterizing the uterine cavity; leeching (one had to be very careful to ensure none of the leeches made their way too far north); and, eventually surgery, such as clitoridectomy (removal of the skin hood above the clitoris) and ovaritomy (removal of ovaries).

I was angry at the doctors at first, and am still upset at the cultural norms which created this sort of thinking. But, my professor pointed out that many of these doctors were trying new desperate measures to help desperate women, so I can't hate them completely.

Ok, let's move on to more pleasurable treatments for hysteria, the "hysterical paroxysm." It was found that if women had a paroxysm (clinical word for orgasm), that they felt better, so doctors would manually massage the vulvar area of their hysteria patients. Doctors found it often took awhile to, um, complete treatment and that they had a lot of patients to help. They were relieved when the vibrator was created by a British doctor in the 1880s in response to the overwhelming number of women receiving "manual hysterical paroxysms."

Soon, these large machines were downsized and sold in reputable women's magazines, like Sears and Roebuck. One of the ads my professor read in class goes something like this: "Aids that every women appreciates. It will make youth throb within you."

They continued to be advertised in such magazines until they started being used in erotic films in the 1920s, and then they were seen as dirty, sensual, and bad. They have been playing peek-a-boo in our culture ever since. They are actually illegal in some states, such as Alabama. Men can use viagra, but women can't buy a vibrator? Sure, that makes perfect sense.

JOOM, do I get Brimstone points for teaching others about sinful devices?

Trying to fit a square block into a round pipe

Don't try it, it doesn't work.

We moved into this rental house (pretty decent overall) last October and noticed a few minor problems, but nothing we couldn't live with. One of the problems was the loose drain cover over the pipe in our shower. (I bet most of you know what's going to happen next.)

A couple of months ago I took M in the shower with me and grabbed a lego (one of the larger one's for 1-year olds) and a couple of other good toys that could get wet. I decided to leave the toys in the shower for next time and didn't think about it again. I have no idea when or how it found its way into the pipe, but a couple of weeks ago our shower started filling up with water at an alarming rate. I used two bottles of Liquid Plumber, but that didn't work, so the rental agency had a plumber come out and take a look. He realized something was inside the pipe when the snake he was using to clear the pipe wouldn't move deeper into it. We found the culprit after finally finding a flashlight that worked.

The lego was stuck at the area of the pipe where it turns, so there was no fear of it moving further down the pipe, but it was already 10 inches down. He said they'd have to have another plumber come out, climb under the house, and cut out the pipe. Ugh. The rental agency said that we would be the ones to pay for it. I said I'd talk with Gluby and call them back.

All of this happened on Wednesday and Thursday. Fast forward to Saturday. After spending $15 at Jerry's buying two-sided adhesive tape for carpet, carpet glue, and a 24 inch claw type thingy (I know, very technical of me), spending two hours trying to figure out how to use these things, and calling our friend Aaron to get other ideas, Gluby saved the day. He found my metal music stand (which I never use), took it apart, heated it up with a fire in our fireplace, and melted the lego. He did this 4 or 5 times. The last time he did it he left it in the lego to cool off and pull out the lego. Here are photos of his handy work.