Friday, February 16, 2007

Dam it

Like the tide of the ocean, I feel there is an ebb and flow to life. Sometimes the lapping of the waves is refreshing and invigorating, while at other times it is insistent and overwhelming. The emotions I feel right now have this same ebb and flow, and at times seem to take over my life. When it feels that the sadness, anxiety, anger, confusion, or pain will push through the protective wall I have built around them so I can continue to function in life, I start to crash. Sometimes I am able to slowly let something out to ease the pressure building up inside and deal with little bits here and there, but other times it seems everyone and everything else around me must suffer. Gluby, my kids, my house, my schoolwork. Me. I wonder, if I just let the dam break, would I really be able to recover myself, or would I break as well?


T. Wanker said...

Strange, but as I was reading your post, the only thing I could think of was "there must needs be opposition in all things." I've always found comfort in that concept regardless of its origin.

I think finding comfort in the Book of Mormon is illustrative of the ebb and flow you are talking about. Religion, like life, is full of fantastic stuff and the absolutely dreadful. To finish with your metaphor, the dam was illusion, you just need to learn to float in the madness -- so spread your arms and enjoying floating in the ocean of life.

supernova said...

Letting go once in a while, really helps...

Lemon Blossom said...

T - Thank you so much for your metaphor. It definitely sounds better to learn to float in the madness than to try and keep everything contained. Though, at this point, it is the protective mechanism which keeps me functioning day to day. Sigh or yay?

Supernova - yes, it does. I know this, yet it is so hard to do.

Bishop Rick said...

I guess it all depends on if the dam is holding something in that you want held in, or keeping something from progressing.

If the former, then the pressure valve treatments works great.

If the latter, then maybe it's time to get out the dynamite.

Or maybe the best solution is to remove the bricks one at a time to release that which is dammed up, but at a slow enough pace to not overwhelm any fragile surroundings.

aerin said...

As a fellow mom - I think sometimes we need to just let stuff go.

I find whenever I'm stressed out - ignoring the housework is the most helpful. If anyone in the family is disappointed in the state of the house, they can change it themselves.

I just feel like every so often I have to re-evalutate what I'm doing and why. Usually, I can always find things/activities I need to drop. Do I really need to buy birthday cards for everyone and their brother? Or would an e-card work as well.

I guess I just think of things in priorities. I come first (because my kids need a healthy, stable mom). My kids come next and then my husband. If it doesn't directly fall in the priorities, it's out as far as I'm concerned.

Best of luck to you. Sorry you're going through a rough time now.

Just one of many said...

Just remember to breathe! No storm can last forever. :)

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I like what BR said. Ditto.

Lemon Blossom said...

BR - Wow, thanks for your comments. I love the thought of the dynamite! I think it is definitely a protective thing and it's good for me in many ways. I just need to find a way to let out the emotions and issues little by little so they don't put too much pressure on the wall.

Do any of you have any good suggestions? It often seems when I sit and think and try to work on this stuff that nothing happens. Then a day, week, or month later things just overflow. Hm.

Aerin - That usually works for me. Unfortunately, I think I had been neglecting things too long and the house, and finances, and laundry, and everything was driving me nuts, as well as the religious stuff. I was overwhelmed physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I do need to start taking better care of myself so my kids have a more stable home, even if the house is a mess. Thanks for your kind words!

JOOM - Thanks. Do you happen to have an umbrella? I threw mine up against the wall during the last storm and broke it.

SML - :)

Bishop Rick said...

SEX is a pretty good release valve.
Cures everything but the common cold, and doesn't hurt that.

emerging from the ashes said...

I know how that feels. I had a flood those first months of leaving/aftermath. Then I dammed the emotions and thoughts up so I could survive work. Just before I started blogging, I let go, let the dam break, let it come.

I knew I'd have to deal with it sometime. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would be hard. But I had to let myself feel those emotions, embrace them, and dredge through them to figure out who I am.

Yes, it has been rough. But I think it'll be better in the end.

Lemon Blossom said...

BR - Ooh, that sounds nice. Now where could Gluby be?

FTA - Thank you for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes and stirred the emotions behind the dam.

I was hoping that blogging would help, and I think it has, but things are going a lot slower than I thought/hoped. I just keep reminding myself one step at a time.