Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I miss

I miss the connection I used to have with my family.

I miss feeling like I could be myself around them.

I miss the highs that came from "feeling" "The Spirit."

I miss feeling hopeful.

I miss community.

I miss "Knowing"

I miss feeling like I have direction in my life.

I miss feeling happy and full inside

I miss "knowing" that there is a God who loves me and knows who I am and watches out for me.

I do not miss always feeling unworthy and so utterly far from being who God wanted me to be that I would never make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I do not miss feeling guilty for being a human being with sexual desires

I do not miss feeling like I always have to be a role instead of just being who I am: mother, wife, visiting teacher, primary teacher, member missionary, former full-time missionary (so I must be good at missionary opportunities, right?)

I do not miss feeling guilty for not being perfect: did I miss a missionary opportunity? did I just commit a little sin and lose The Spirit so now I won't be guided in my life? Did I do enough? I get angry, I get depressed, I lash out. If I had just studied the scriptures more or prayed more I wouldn't have re/acted that way.

I do not miss feeling the pressure to read and study "the scriptures" every day, go to the temple, go visiting teaching, have one year supply of everything, go to the cannery, genealogy, have a garden, read the Ensign, listen to GC/stake conference, feel eternally fulfilled by folding laundry and making dinner, prepare a spiritual FHE so my kids won't leave the church and forever damn my family, look happy all the time so others can see how happy we are and join the church because they'll be happy and fulfilled too.

I do not miss being afraid that I'll read, hear, or watch something that will make me "lose my testimony."

I do not miss being afraid that Satan is out to get my soul and the souls of my family.

I'll probably add more to this list as I think of them. It's kinda late and it's been a hard day.


Gluby said...

In order to gain possession of oneself and become whole, often the first part of oneself one must touch is the pain.

Who knew watching Pleasantville a second time would bring such a rush of feelings.

Lemon Blossom said...

Definitely not me. I expected to see some connection between me and some of the characters in the movie, but not push me as much as it did.

I love you, babe. Thanks for always being there.

wry catcher said...

Good list, LB. It's hard to feel, but it's good. It does remind you you're alive and that life is not static.


Freckle Face Girl said...

You really were hard on yourself... I think discovering the truth about the "truth" was good for you. As time goes on, you'll probably find happy substitutes for most of the things you miss.

Gluby said...

Yeah, let me vouch for that, FFG. She was and is really hard on herself. She definitely fits the "sinner" category.

MattMan said...

Ah, a "kindred spirit" who tends toward being too judgmental of herself. *stands up* Hi, I'm mattman, and I'm too hard on myself. Welcome to the club. :)


Not sure how big you are on reading self-help type material. I'm generally of the "meh" opinion on it or downright "um, that's just bullshit" (such as that whole "The Secret" thing *gag*). But I am finding this book somewhat insightful, called Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. It's a bit on the painfully simplistic side, and the author does have more in-depth works on the overall concept, but it does make for quasi-helpful easy reading. YMMV

Lemon Blossom said...

Wry - Thanks. The numbness is definitely harder, as you might know.

FFG - I didn't even think about that coming across in this post, but, yes I am/was very hard on myself. Coming to understand the truth has helped somewhat in that category, but probably not enough.

Gluby - Every time I read that part of the book I am amazed at how well he analyzed it and how it fits me to a T. At least it helps me to understand myself better.

Matmann - YAY!!!!! I have been thinking about you. I didn't think you ever still read my blog. I'm glad you do and that you commented. I hope all is well and thanks for the book title. I'll add it to my list! Let me know how you're doing, k?

Bishop Rick said...


I'm curious. Would you rather be dumb and "happy", or aware of the truth, but having to now make your own way thru life (with Gluby's help)?

Personally, I'm still on the fence.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Good question, BR. That question is deeper than it appears.

LB, great post. Your honesty reminds me of my If I Were Free of All Fear thoughts.

Already Gone said...

Leaving the church is hard. The person you were is gone. It's a loss. Just think of it this way...you can choose who you want to be now instead of letting others define your roles. Independence. Free thought. Control. All these are hard to do on your own at first...we were taught for so long that these things were dictated by the church and we followed.
It does get easier!!! HUGS!

from the ashes said...

Good list and self-reflection, LB. I'm afraid our freedom comes with losses.

One of my exmo friends related a story to me about her daughter. They were in a Muslim country, and some of the DD's playmates asked her what religion she is. The DD, confused, answered, "I'm nothing." The little friends looked at her in horror and said, "You're nothing??!! You're freedom!" "Freedom" is the direct translation from that local language for, essentially, non-religious or atheist. Interesting, no? Those girls spoke the word freedom with disgust. Some people can't imagine being "free" of belief and dogma.

It's been hard for me to be "Freedom" too, but, on balance, better.

Love Medicine said...

Ah, another kindred spirit. I'm Love Medicine and I'm too hard on myself. I love this post. I think you have said perfectly what I've been feeling for the last couple of months. I'm trying to get my DH to start blogging as he has more than a lot to say. How'd you get Glubby hooked, or was it the other way around?