Monday, October 8, 2007

Not everything is dire, right?

Okay, I'm not always dire, though Gluby might say otherwise (insert smiley here), so I thought I would write a post about something that isn't dire. Or about poop.

Hm, what does it say about me that I have been mulling over this post for 10 minutes with nothing to say? Maybe I do need life to be dire to post.

Let's see. One of my sister's came to visit me yesterday and we had a nice day sitting and chatting and letting our kids run amok*. We did talk a bit about church stuff, but I'll leave the details out for the sake of privacy. It was really, really nice to see her, though, and I'm glad the visit went as well as it did.

We are getting used to CA, the cold nights and hot days of the desert (hm, now I want dessert), and the yummy multicultural foods surrounding us. Mmmm. Now my mouth is watering for barberry rice.

I love the new place we live in and the fact that I don't worry about running into old ward members at the grocery store or post office. I love that my relationship with Gluby is mending after everything that has happened in the last 5 years. I love the comfort and security I feel when I listen to and watch the waves crash and wash up on the beach. I love the moments when I can mourn my losses and appreciate what I have gained in return.

I have lost who I was, who I thought I was, and who I thought I would be. I have lost my expectations of a Good Mormon Family and the Celestial Kingdom (yah, like I was ever really going to get there even if it did exist). I have lost the support of a community I have known all of my life and expected to always be a part of. I have lost the relationships I used to have with my family.

(ok, now this post is looking too much like the other one - on to the better part)

I love the sense of responsibility I have gained over the last year. If there isn't a God above to take care of the homeless, the hurt, the helpless then I must step up and do something. It hits me a lot harder when I hear of wrongs committed against others or those who have suffered terribly because I don't know "with a surety" that there is a God above who will help these people in the next life.

There is a part of my heart that I am just starting to feel. It is the part of me that is starting to feel sure of things I believe in and have conviction of. It's exciting to realize I have this within me and makes me hopeful that I won't always be this slobbering mess. (Ok, I just had visions of a hairy hump-backed monster drooling and dragging one of it's feet behind it)

I guess I just wanted to say that there is another part of me that I don't always share and it is one that has moments happiness and silliness and pure laughter. Thank you to everyone out in the DAMU who have helped me on this journey. I hope there will be plenty more laughs to share with you all.

*I decided to check the dictionary to make sure this is the word I wanted to use and the first definition of amok is this:1.(among members of certain Southeast Asian cultures) a psychic disturbance characterized by depression followed by a manic urge to murder. I couldn't help but laugh as this was so not what I meant.


Loralee Choate said...

HA! Should I now be alarmed because "Amok" is one of my favorite words?

Bishop Rick said...

You didn't really just lose a community, you replaced it with the DAMU.


We are all here to prop each other up, and not with guilt or impossible to attain goals.

Cele said...

I hope you find full peace and answers to your questions. I hope that you realize love and friendship is the way you want it to be, unfettered and without qualification. That life will give you back what you give it.

Be at peace.

supernova said...

I love it that you're so honest to yourself!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Great post, LB. I enjoyed your thoughts. And really, you have replaced your community. Enjoy it.

An Enlightened Fairy said...

LOL LB, I think they ran "amuck", not "amok". I say that all the time too. I think anyone that has children, knows they run amuck.

You're doing great! I'm so glad that you, Gluby and the kids are adjusting to your new home and surroundings.
Hang in there.

Suzy said...

Ah finally found your blog. Saving the link once and for all.

Welcome to California!


Lemon Blossom said...

Hi Suzy! I'm glad you found my blog again (and that I finally know about yours).

Thanks for the welcome!

Lemon Blossom said...

LL – I'm not sure if you should be alarmed so much as the people around you. Especially if you have a sharp knife. :)

BR – What you say is very true, I did gain a new community with the DAMU, though ya'll didn't show up to help pack the truck so I'm not so sure about you any more. :)

raising arm I swear to never again neglect my new community. (until next time. Ahem.)

Cele – Thanks. I hope I find this peace you talk about, though I guess my blog wouldn't be quite so interesting and dramatic.

Supernova – Thanks. It always surprises me when someone says that to me because I just never really think of it like that. Though I do love to be reminded of it. At least I do something well (sometimes). :)

SML – Yes, you and BR are right, I have replaced my old community. I am definitely enjoying it, more now than ever.

EF – Maybe it's the old-style part of me that likes “amok” instead of “amuck.” I'll have a stern talk with myself and put the word “amok” on the back burner, along with all of the old “Little House on the Prarie” episodes. :)

f said...

Amok. Yes, it's in the DSM-IV, in the back with the other "mutli-cultural" disorders. If the Columbine shooters had been in India they would have been diagnosed with

And in case you were keeping track of stats and hits and wondering who just read your whole blog, it was me. Just catching up on things I missed.


JulieAnn Henneman said...

Time for you to post again, missy :0)

Sister Mary Lisa said...

The lack of a new post is dire.

An Enlightened Fairy said...

Looking for some new dirt...
Where oh where has my LB gone??? :(

JulieAnn Henneman said...

I tagged you just to help you get started....;)

Sideon said...

Oh - and you gained two new uncles for Malek and Sam.


Big hugs!