Friday, April 20, 2007

That's Ant-tastic!

It all started 2 years ago when a beautiful maiden with golden hair was delicately partaking of her dainty breakfast.

Ok, so I haven't been a maid in over 7 years and my hair is more brown than golden, but you all get the idea. I was 7 months pregnant and had poured myself some cereal with milk. I talked with S while I was getting my spoon and sitting down to eat, so I paid no attention to my bowl. I took a bite and my mouth was immediately overcome by an acrid, moldy decomposing-earthy taste in my mouth. My face distorted immediately and I ran to spit out the horrid, poisonous monster from my mouth. I wondered what the cereal company had put in the cereal and if there had been a recall I hadn't heard about. As I peered into my cereal bowl the answer floated serenely in my milk. Ants.

This ended up happening two more times before M was born, but not with cereal. Once with chocolate chips and another time with a PB&J sandwich I had left on the counter while dealing with nap time dilemmas with S. Now I can smell them and they smell as bad as they taste.

Gluby once brought me an unpeeled orange that had ants crawl on. I started to peel it and recoiled in horror as I smelled the smell. When I sweep the floor I smell the ones who have been crushed in the dust-pan process as that horrible torrent of ant-scent once again wafts over my face. Or when I clean the counter and catch a few of them on the rag.

So, this morning I was making the boys toast and picked up the butter knife. I turned it over to cut the butter and saw an ant on it. What?! Ants don't like butter! Or so I thought. Anyway, I disposed of the body and wiped the knife off with a paper towel, but it still reeked of the ant chemical smell, so I dropped it in the sink (is it bad that I would have used the knife after only wiping it off with a paper towel?) and pulled out a new one, irritated that I have to wash one more knife because of those stupid things.

The weird thing is that we don't have tons of ants crawling all over our kitchen. I catch sight every once in awhile but there aren't that many. I have started to think it's a conspiracy. The ants are out to get me.

*No ants were killed in the writing of this post.


Gluby said...

Lemon Blossom's Song (sung to the tune of Five Green Speckled Frogs):

One Lemon Freckled Blossom,
Dining like a hungry possum,
Eating the most delicious bugs.
(Yum, yum.)

She leapt screaming in the pool,
Where it was nice and cool,
Now there are only happy bugs.

Lemon Blossom said...

I can't stop laughing and I have tears in my eyes. You have made one grouchy LB very happy. :)

Cele said...

Oh mi gosh, Gluby that is so funny.

Lemony, the ants are horrendous this year. We built a new station 7 years ago, the winter after we moved in was the first time I remember seeing so many ants, when the spring hit it was worse. Now every year we seem infested no matter what the bug man sprays.

Try distilled white vinegar water on your countertops and cupboards. It won't keep them away in definately but it helps immensely.

wry catcher said...

Ants suck. I don't know their smell, though, and I hope I NEVER DO!! I always used to keep the tank vacuum cleaner handy to suck them up whenever they'd appear, especially the whole lines of them that sometimes show up overnight. ANTS ARE ASSHOLES!!

Freckle Face Girl said...

Do you live in Florida? ...they are hard to get rid of, but we found a chemical at Home Depot that works better than the big named companies.

Sideon said...


A great ant-barrier.

And about the only decent use for vaseline.


The Sacred Sister said...

LOL Gluby!! That was a great little tune!
And Sideon wonders why I call him a perv.

I don't know what ants smell like, but I do know the smell of water bugs... You know those tiny black, hard shelled ones? We put down hardwood floors in our house one year and apparently they had laid eggs either under the wood or on the wood-- we had black bugs coming out of the cracks for months! It was horrible and I learned what the "water bug smell" was. I used to vacuum them up, but stopped because my vacuum started to smell like water bugs. SO I swept and swept and swept... (Which is just as good as the pioneer children that walked and walked and walked)
The worst was getting up in the middle of the night, walking to the bathroom and hearing "crunch" when you stepped on the floor...
Sorry, I hope that didn't make you sick. I'm going to bathe now, I feel dirty.
Sin til we meet again,
Me ;)