Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Feeling Poetic

I am not usually one to write a poem, but today this one just kind of wrote itself as I was, once again, working on "It." ("It," for those who many not know what I'm talking about, is the letter I am going to send to my family to tell them about my lack of belief in the Mormon Church. But, shhhh, I said I wasn't going to mention the letter again until I sent it, so I am trying to be stealthy and just type "It.")

When I am alone with my thoughts
what do I think? How do I feel
when I am not trying to convince others or myself
that I no longer believe it to be true?
When the wall of protective confidence
no longer shields me from me,
what do I believe?


I actually spend a large part of my time trying not to think about this stuff too deeply because the pain, anger, loneliness, fear, sadness, etc. can be overwhelming. So, as I sat here really thinking about this stuff for a change, I found myself thinking, "do I really believe it isn't true? I mean, my actions and words would suggest that, but do I really believe that it is not true? What do I believe?"

I think there is a difference in who I am consciously and subconsciously. Consciously, I think I am not longer Mormon, but my subconscious is still trying to break out of the Mormon thought/feeling pattern. When I think about my mission, or who always I thought I would be, or who I wanted to be, I start to feel sad or disappointed in myself and feel a sense of loss, or I feel like I have let people down. Yet, when I think about where I am at this moment, I feel like I am in the right spot, the only spot I could be in. At least this isn't a confusing time, right?

For those who may not have read it yet, Jer also touched upon this subject in this excellent post. I am definitely mourning the loss of "unfulfilled expectations," and at times still grasp with an "iron-fist" to old ideals, because I always thought I would end up a certain person and be a certain way and feel a need to flail toward them when I feel lost and directionless.

12 comments:

Cele said...

Lemony, who am I to tell you how right or wrong you are? I am no one, it is not my place, I am no more than a name on a screen, we are passing names on the web.

My mother always told me I had to like myself before I could be liked by others. And I think that must be the same too about disappointment. You are in a limbo between who you have always thought you were, and the reckoning of who you want to be, or better yet know you are. And in the midst of all that conflict you are worried about how you are letting others down.

But Lemony, how about how they have let you down?

If they love you it is for you, not for your religious affiliation. And yet in Mormonism it is all counted in your devotion to the church. Not your personal relationship with God, not your own personal centering and self worth, but your relationship with the Mormon Church. There is something very wrong in that. I don't have the answers, heck I don't even know half of the questions, but I know that you need to find yourself for yourself, for your sons, for your family, before you can worry about if you let your parents and syblings down. I hope you find your centering and your answers soon. I wish you peace.

BTW, the words in your poem speak volumes.

Lemon Blossom said...

Cele – I don't have much time because I have class in a few minutes, but I am determined to actually respond to someone this time. :)

I have struggled all of my life to not let my people-pleasing part get in the way of making decisions which are best for me. I don't always succeed at this, but I am glad to say that most of the time the big decisions have been made for the right reasons, though I may spend an inordinate amount of time worrying and struggling to do it.

And thanks about the poem. I know it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it because it is a way for me to express myself, but I am glad to hear that you got something out of it.

Yikes, gotta go. Believe or not, I actually responded. Yay! :)

supernova said...

Your poem really brings out your innermost feelings, LB! You've expressed yourself amazingly well... I wish peace for you, I sincerely hope that you get through this phase of your life and become all the more stronger...

Lotsa hugs...

Lemon Blossom said...

Supernova - Thanks! Hugs are always nice to have, especially when feeling overwhelmed. And, I have the benefit of knowing this will just be a phase, it isn't going to be this way forever. I hope. :)

Gluby said...

Cele,

I just wanted to pipe in and say I thought that was a wonderfully insightful comment. We're so caught up in attempting to mollify the intolerance of our friends, family and acquaintances still in "the cave" that we forget our own dignity and the relative true merits of their and our positions. But, in the end, it is they who either closed their eyes to the truth of things or saw it and closed their minds.

Of course, all those raised in it and socialized to it are victims of the deceit, and are thus not truly condemnable in the cosmological sense, but, if we do have to decide who is more condemnable than the other, I think it is clear that the one who acceded to the lie and subjected their children to it are far more responsible than those who finally decided to break with it.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

LB ~ It's true you need to focus on what you need, not what they need. You and your kids and Gluby are all that should matter in your decision to leave the faith of your upbringing. It is basically a kindness you are doing in explaining to them your thoughts in "IT"...but you don't owe them that. You owe them no explanation at all.

It's your life, sweetheart. Yours. Embrace it.

Lemon Blossom said...

SML - Maybe it's the whole "preparedness" thing you hear about all the time in church, but I feel I have to have all my ducks in a row before heading out into the world and letting people know what's going on. Or maybe it's just my personality. I need to have everything planned before I feel I can take a step forward so I can be prepared for the consequences of that step. Doesn't usually happen that way, but I try. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard at it.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

:) Do whatever feels best to you, and forget the rest. That is ultimately the only way to finding your true path. YOUR path.

EagleLover07 said...

Dear Lemon Blossom,
just want to say that you're not alone in this struggle. i am trying to figure out the right words to tell my daughter, that i just don't know what the truth is anymore. it's a tough struggle, isn't it? i always thought i had everything planned out, all the way thru eternity...now i don't know what that'll look like, not that i ever really did.
anyways, i am thinking of you and all the rest of us trying to figure all this out, working to find our path thru this life and into the next. i loved your poem.
take care,
EL

Lemon Blossom said...

SML - Thanks. You are right. I need to figure out how to quiet all the voices inside and just listen to my own.

EL - I am glad that you found my blog and that you shared your struggle. I can't believe how helpful this community has been in my new journey.

I hope that you are able to find a way to talk with your daughter and that she takes it ok. Come back often and let me know how things are going, ok?

wry catcher said...

Hey LB - I don't know what I believe either. I know, that's no help - since I'm older than you and out of religion for many years. I still don't know. I think not knowing is mostly okay.

Except not knowing yourself, or actively trying. That's the bitch, my friend. I wish you all the best.

XO

Bishop Rick said...

It was fun believing in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but once I found out they were made up, I can never go back to that age of innocence. In some ways it is sad, but I would rather know the truth than base my life on false premises.