When I am alone with my thoughts
what do I think? How do I feel
when I am not trying to convince others or myself
that I no longer believe it to be true?
When the wall of protective confidence
no longer shields me from me,
what do I believe?
I actually spend a large part of my time trying not to think about this stuff too deeply because the pain, anger, loneliness, fear, sadness, etc. can be overwhelming. So, as I sat here really thinking about this stuff for a change, I found myself thinking, "do I really believe it isn't true? I mean, my actions and words would suggest that, but do I really believe that it is not true? What do I believe?"
I think there is a difference in who I am consciously and subconsciously. Consciously, I think I am not longer Mormon, but my subconscious is still trying to break out of the Mormon thought/feeling pattern. When I think about my mission, or who always I thought I would be, or who I wanted to be, I start to feel sad or disappointed in myself and feel a sense of loss, or I feel like I have let people down. Yet, when I think about where I am at this moment, I feel like I am in the right spot, the only spot I could be in. At least this isn't a confusing time, right?
For those who may not have read it yet, Jer also touched upon this subject in this excellent post. I am definitely mourning the loss of "unfulfilled expectations," and at times still grasp with an "iron-fist" to old ideals, because I always thought I would end up a certain person and be a certain way and feel a need to flail toward them when I feel lost and directionless.