Thursday, September 13, 2007

Because of you

You may have noticed, for those few who still read my blog, that I haven't really posted in awhile. I'm not sure where to start really. So much has happened that I haven't written about that I want to write about. I think I'll start with what has been going through my head today.

The first time I heard Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson, it was her duet with Reba McEntire (who I sometimes like) on TV and I flipped the channel 5 seconds after they started. Eventually, over time, I heard more and more of the song from flipping radio station channels and it started to grow on me. Then, about a month ago, I heard it on the way home and started to cry when I realized this song applied to me. I will post all of the lyrics but I'll only comment on those that really struck home with me.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of the church I learned never to stray from the sidewalk
and I learned to play on the safe side so I wouldn't get hurt.
Sounds like a good thing, right? Sort of. I wish I had been taught to
stay in places where I would be safe, or how to be safe if I left the
sidewalk, for logical reasons, real reasons. Not ones that would make
me so afraid to stray from the sidewalk that I would have a difficult time
walking at all.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of the church I find it hard to trust myself or anyone else and I am
very afraid. Of everything. I had a hard time trusting God so how on earth
do I trust someone who isn't supposed to be perfect? How do I learn how to trust?

I wish I had been taught that people will hurt me and I will hurt others, sometimes
knowingly and purposefully, other times accidentally, and that is just a part of life.
People make mistakes and that's ok and no one is going to hell or will be kept from
their most beloved family members because of it.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

I faked so much hoping and believing it would make it so. I think I even felt that
faking it did make it so because it would eventually happen. I had been given that
promise in General Conference talks, so that meant if I faked it the way they said
I should that it would eventually come and that made it as good as done. I also
faked it because I felt that if I wasn't showing happiness then others would know I
was unhappy and think/see me as the unrighteous person that I felt I was.

Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I worked very hard to not question or to make the round peg fit in the square hole.
I didn't listen to reason unless it fit within the church's doctrine or cultural
beliefs. I did what they told me to do and was critical of the world and other
religions, but I did my best to “strengthen” my “testimony” in every way I could.
I tried to forget everything and everyone that didn't fit. I don't know how to
trust anyone, most especially myself, and right now I just feel a black whole in
my heart.

Because of you
Because of you

If Reba McEntire gets on your nerves and you want to watch it with just Kelly Clarkson, you can go here.


JulieAnn Henneman said...

I can relate to the lyrics, too, even though I'm not wild about the song. Interesting how you applied it to church.

good post, babe :0)

Lemon Blossom said...

Thanks, JA. I wasn't wild about it either until that one time, otherwise I'm an impatient flipper (as you can tell from my post). :)

Johnny Rotten said...

Hey Cuz,

Nice post!

I hope things are going well for you guys down in Cali.

We’ll call soon.

Luv your cuz,

Johnny Rotten

Lemon Blossom said...

Thanks JR. We're slowly getting settled and are enjoying the cooler sunny weather.

I feel silly but I'm not sure which 'cuz' this is, so I'm excited to hear from you so I know who I am talking to. :)

Sister Mary Lisa said...

JR could be a troll?

Anyway. I'm loving this post, and I always loved that song. I think the fact you recognize the things you don now will help you very much as you stray too far from the sidewalk to discover for yourself.

Hugs to you.

I shit you not, my word verification is DUJNBGOD.

Dungeon be God, perhaps?

Lemon Blossom said...

SML - I would normally think JR is a troll except that I do have 3 or 4 cousins who know about this blog.

Thanks. Your fear post helped me to finally write this one, so you had a hand in it. Thank you.

Ooo, it's a sign from God. He wants us to know that he is actually a dungeon, not a resurrected man-turned-god.

Bishop Rick said...

Dungeon Be God? That's rediculous. Its obvious to everyone that it stands for:

Do You June Bug Overdose?

Mine is atpjkrqo

I think it has something to do with that dream about showing up to a karioke party in your PJs.

wry catcher said...

This song has always been quite evocative for me too. Nice post, LB.

Lemon Blossom said...

BR - I think it's actually supposed to be looked at backward to read: Dog Been Jud. And if you don't know what that means you need to work on your spiritual awareness.

Wry - Thanks. It definitely opens the emotional flood gates when I let it.

Cele said...

I liked this song when Clarkson first came out with it. Then they dueted and I kind of rolled my eyes. But the harmonizing is great and kind of underscores the meaning to me.

I have to say...because of you I never stray far from the side walk is really a pretty deep realization. Pain and hurt will keep us in check, fear even more so.

Enjoy the summer sun.