And you give yourself away

I had a very disturbing dream this morning that I had to write down and, since it was written down, I thought I would post it. I recognize that some parts of my dream as so wacky that, if other parts weren't so painful, I would most certainly be laughing. Please feel free to laugh, cry, or just shake your head in pity at my weirdness.

It starts out with me dreaming that I am having a dream. I am inside a building without my family but with many other people. I start to feel a sense of foreboding and fear and so I start to look around me to see what is wrong. When I see what is wrong the fear inside of my chest begins to squeeze around my heart. There are at least three very large, angry black and brown bears loose in the building attacking people. I panic and start running for the other side of the room and crouch down next to the wall. In my dream, my view pans out and I see my purse sitting on the floor, forgotten, and I see myself crouching on the floor, along with many others, and hoping that if I stay still that the bear will leave me alone. He does not and I know things do not end well for me.

Next in my dream I am in a class room in the same building, getting ready to take a test, and the professor is showing us something on the overhead. I am unable to sit and listen well because of the dream I had and that I didn't have a pencil with me. I decide to stay after the class to get some one-on-one information with my professor and find that he is dancing Tae Kwon Do moves and tells me to do them with him or I will fail the class. I am embarrassed and hesitant because I have no idea how to dance, but I know that my professor knows that once I start dancing my body will know what to do. So, I take off my shoes and slowly begin dancing Tae Kown Do as well. Our bodies soon begin to synchronize and I suddenly seem to know things I hadn't known before. I had some sort of new connection to the universe. I knew my professor was in love with me and I saw that he wanted to touch his forehead to mine and tell me so; I knew that I didn't love him and if I professed such that I would ruin his life as well as mine; I knew that there was another professor who had attended the class, who was also now hiding behind some chairs and watching us, specifically to be able to dance with him as I was dancing with him because she was in love with him and he didn't know it. She was angry with me for taking her place and vowed to get back at me. I started feeling afraid again. I knew she had the power to fail me and make my life miserable and that she was figuring out at that moment how to hurt me as I had hurt her.

My professor's next class was starting to begin so I sat down to listen, but was too distracted by the vengeful female professor to comprehend what was being said. I decided that if I quietly left
everything would be ok. I would show the female professor that she had won and the two of them would be very happy together and she'd stop plotting my demise. As I walk through the halls I see many students finishing up their finals or who have finished and are getting ready to take the results to the office. The building now has that end-of-semester feel to it and I know everyone is excited to be done.

I reach the front of the building and grab on to my youngest son's hand and tell my oldest son to follow me to the car. There are a lot of people surrounding us, many of them young children, and I look for my oldest son to make sure he's following me. I don't see him, but I know he is near. That's when I see the bears and know that my dream and been a premonition. I yell at my oldest to follow me to the wall and tell him to stand perfectly still. There are other adults standing around telling the kids to hold still and to let the bears sniff them. For some reason the bears are not hurting these adults who are not crouching or standing still by the wall, but I also know that their safety is not assured either. I am crouching there, holding M's hand and picturing where S is standing and I know that the bear has passed him. He is nibbling on the hair of a young toddler who is asking an adult why the bear is nibbling on his hair. The adult tells the child to let the bear nibble and promises that he if does so he will be safe and will move on. Somehow I know the adult is telling the truth.

The bear then moves to the next three kids and sniffs them as well. The bear stops in front of M and me and I suddenly saw the dream sequence happen all over in my and had a running commentary on what he would do next. This is when he will move my hair (he does), this is when he will start to move on to the next person (again, he does), this is when he will stop and decide to gnaw at me. For some reason this part differs from my original dream. He does not eat me and moves on to the next person.

I wait until I think the bear is distracted enough and I grab my kids' hands and run them out to the car as fast as I can. The car is unlocked and I put them in it. For some reason I have 3 other kids with me, but I didn't recognize them as mine. I just knew I was supposed to have them with me. Then I realized that I didn't have my keys or purse and that I needed to go back and get them or else we wouldn't be able to get home. I tell my oldest to sit and wait in the car until I got back, not to talk to anyone, and to not be afraid, I would be back as soon as I could.

I ran back to the building praying that the kids would be ok. When I got back to the building I looked down and saw my purse. That's when I remember the rest of my dream. I see the bear trying to attack me again and me hitting him with my purse. I pick up my purse and keys and prepare for the bear to turn around and notice me, which he does. He starts running toward me and the battle ensues. It takes awhile but I fend the bear off. I don't remember if someone eventually takes the bear away or if it runs away, but I do know that I was alive and the bear was gone. Then it hit me. It's been over an hour and the kids are waiting in the car. I start to hyperventilate and freak out. "Please!" I yell to one of the men nearby, "Please, go out and make sure my kids are ok!" I know something is wrong. It's hot out, the car was unlocked. Maybe they got out and were hit by cars, maybe someone kidnapped them, maybe they died in the car because of the heat. My heart cries out for them and I run to the car.

They are no longer there. I run, crying out their names. I know they are not in the parking lot so I start running toward town, feeling the empty ache of not knowing where my precious boys are. I run into one of the other bears and it attacks me as well. I hit the honey-covered bear with my purse and it looks at me confused. I just hit it with a pillow. I know it's futile to fend the bear with a pillow but I am angry and aching and want to live to hopefully find my kids. I eventually start to run and the bear tries to stop me by pulling on my legs. The side of the road turns into the top of an arcade game and I try to climb over it. The bear almost succeeds in pulling me down but I slide down between back of the arcade game and two fake games. I open up the front of one of the games and pull out my children's fake plastic swords and hold onto them, wishing I could be holding my children but only feeling the empty ache of fear, loss and not knowing if I'll ever see them again. I start to sing parts of U2's With or Without You (for some reason in my dream I only hear this part of the the song and not the whole thing.

And I wait without you.
With or without you.
With or without you.

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My dream starts to pan out as I hear Bono singing the last phrases over and over again and I see myself sitting on the ground holding their swords, wondering if I will ever be able to hold my babies in my arms again.

I finally woke up and knew that I wouldn't be going back to sleep. I went downstairs to go check on the kids and touch their sweet faces, hoping that the ache I feel in my chest would lighten. It did not. I decided to write out my dream, hoping that seeing the words would help. It has not. I know that the ache will eventually lessen throughout the day, as it has in the past when I have had nightmares about my kids. It's at times like these, when the line between dream and reality are so blurred and the pain so real. that I feel I can understand, to a small degree, the pain others feel at having truly lost their children. To any of those parents who may be reading this, please know that I am so truly sorry for your loss and your pain. My heart goes out to you, today and always.

Perfect New Year's Eve

8 years ago today, Gluby asked me to marry him. It was a cold, foggy evening on a bridge in the middle of the city in which we lived. He asked me if I could make one wish what would it be. Now, we both knew what I wanted (for him to ask me to marry him), but every time I had tried to bring it up he changed the topic of conversation, so I said a few generic answers. He said, "No, what would you really wish for?" I said, "You know what I would wish." And the next thing I knew I was looking at Gluby kneeling on the cold, snowy bridge asking me if I would marry him.

In my head I said shrieking, "This is it!! This is the moment I have been waiting for all of my life!!! He's asking me to marry him!! This is it!!!!! This is it!!!! Holy cow, no way! No Way!! This is it!!" Then he said, "Well?" (I guess he hadn't heard the conversation going on in my head and the excitement exploding in my body) I giddily replied YES!, threw out my arms, and gave him a huge hug. After we hugged a kissed he asked, "Do you want to try on the ring?" I said, "What ring?" He said, "The ring in your hand." "Ring in my hand?" I looked down to find he had placed the ring in my hand when he asked me to marry him, but my hands were so cold I couldn't feel it. We got lucky that I hadn't tossed it into the river when I threw my hands around to hug him. Anyway, he put it on and it fit perfectly. I was completely and utterly surprised and it was a beautiful evening.

Tonight we celebrated the New Year by "chinging" glasses full of sparkling apple juice with our kids while eating chocolate chip cookies and frozen yogurt. I read a few books to the kids and listened to them playing with each other and giggling up a storm while they wait for Gluby to give them their nightly tea. I would definitely rate this as another one of my perfect New Year's Eves: listening to my 2 1/2 yr old saying "pink bunny" as his older brother reads him a book, having my 5 1/2 yr old gently rub his back and say "good job, baby!" as his little brother points to another object and says "yellow bee," and hearing the boys giggle as Papa tickles them while tucking them in. What better evening could there be?

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope your winter celebrations have been joyful and renewing. I have been thinking about you all and hope all is well, even if I am mostly lurking. :)

Happy Bloggiversary to me

A lot has changed in the last year since I started blogging. Many of those changes I never would have imagined happening, but I am happier than I have been in years, so those changes have been a good thing.

I haven't been writing as much of the last month because my real life got very busy (in a good way). I have been inspired by Liseysmom (scroll down to Oct. 27th - GO LM!!) to improve my physical self and I finally started exercising again. I knew if I had a *goal, though, that I would do well until I reached it and then I'd quit, so I didn't start until I was ready for a life change. A couple of months ago I was finally ready and I started walking .6 miles every day. Then I started walking 1.2 miles after a couple of weeks. 3-4 weeks ago I started jogging: .4 miles, then .6 miles, and now .8. I am increasing slowly because I know I'll burn out if I jump in too quickly. I have only missed three days of walking/jogging in the past two months and am happy that I have started to enjoy it (you gotta love CA weather - running in a T-shirt in December).

I have reached the point where I want to spend less time looking at what I don't believe in and start looking for things to believe in. Gluby and I are almost done with Bertrand Russell's "Conquest of Happiness" (I learned so much about myself reading that book), we have been listening to Carl Sagan's "Demon Haunted World" (loooove it), reading/listening to Michael Parenti (lots of stuff by him, love it all), and watching movies (some to broaden our minds and others to turn them into vegetables). I have even started crocheting again (though I usually only spend about 10 minutes a day doing it so I don't get sick of it.)

So, to those who may remember me and wonder where I am and how I am doing, there you go. :) I haven't fallen off the face of the earth (yet) and things are going really well. In fact, I am enjoying CA more than I thought I would. I feel like I am finally starting to live my life again. Feel the love for others that intellectually I knew was there, hiding under the pain, fear, numbness, and fragility that was me for so many years. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this roller coaster ride that I have thus far called my life. Here's to many more years for all of us. *Clink*

*What I meant to say was weight or event goal. When I reach my goal I find that I am then over tired and unmotivated. So this time my goal is to exercise 4-6 times a week.

Button, button, who pushed the button

I swear I don't do this just to push Gluby's buttons. Really. I don't. *Ahem.*

This morning, while in the shower, I started singing, "Jingle Bells," "12 Days of Christmas," O Christmas Tree," etc. This drives Gluby nuts for two reasons. 1) Songs get stuck in his head very easily and take weeks to get them out (one song he had in there for a year or more. He had "I'm a Little Tea Pot" in there for so long he wrote 4 part harmony for it). 2) He is not big on Christmas (to say the least), especially before Thanskgiving.

So he may roll his eyes a bit when I start singing these Christmas songs so early in November (or when I sing them in March. Or June. Or August.), or start singing "Like a Virgin" over my singing so as not to hear me. Especially when "O Christmas Tree" has specifically four words: O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. La la la la, la la la la. La la la la la la la la. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. (I just don't get it. Can anyone tell my why he would not like me singing this over, and over, and over again?!)

I am not, I repeat, I am not singing these songs just to push buttons. And I vehemently deny any accusations even implying I would do such a thing.

Do I protest too much?

Ok, ok, here's a real post

I'm working on a Christopher Columbus post (which I have been thinking about writing for almost a year) and also on the next "portion" of my "exit" story, so hopefully you all will have some long boring posts to read soon.

Last week, before all of the fires, we let our cats out to go get some sun. After about 10 minutes I noticed that they had come back in and that one of them was staring intently at the ground. I have grown up with cats and I knew that look. I tried to figure out what the cat had brought in and where it was. I finally saw it lying at the cat's feet, on the carpet, almost covered up by our bedspread. A lizard.

Now, I grew up with pet lizards and rats, so it didn't freak me out, but I wondered if it was still alive and in agony. I got Gluby's attention, and of course the boys' attention as well, and we tried to find something to touch it with. As we were talking about it's hit point status and looking for it's "life bar," the cat was periodically checking as well by pushing it with her paw. Suddenly the lizard took off and ran underneath the bedspread over by the top of the bed and our dresser. We all sprang into action. The cats tried to stick their noses under the bedspread (it's a king size spread on a queen mattress, so it covers the floor a bit) while Gluby tried looking behind the dresser. I ran down the stairs to go look for a glass jar and a lid and the boys climbed on the bed to see what they could see. (Now I'm singing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain")

After climbing the stairs two at a time I helped Gluby move the dresser and push the cats out of the way. I saw the lizard nestled under the lamp and alarm clock cords, so Gluby got his Marine sword to see if he could nudge it toward me and into the jar. It didn't move the first few times and then took off toward me. I wasn't prepared for its movement, even though I had been kneeling for about 4 minutes with the mouth of the jar ready where I hoped the lizard would run, so I yelped and jumped away as he ran back under the bedspread right past me. I turned around and saw it hidden just a few inches away. I bent down and put the mouth of the jar at his head and pushed his tail with the lid. He ran in and I quickly put the lid on top.

This whole time the boys were jumping around trying to see and to help. They were of course fascinated by the lizard and ogled at it for a few minutes until we took it back outside to let it go. Talk about excitement for the day. And Gluby looooved my yelp, by the way, and giggled, I mean chortled, over it the rest of the day.

Snarkiness

Hi!

Not everything is dire, right?

Okay, I'm not always dire, though Gluby might say otherwise (insert smiley here), so I thought I would write a post about something that isn't dire. Or about poop.

Hm, what does it say about me that I have been mulling over this post for 10 minutes with nothing to say? Maybe I do need life to be dire to post.

Let's see. One of my sister's came to visit me yesterday and we had a nice day sitting and chatting and letting our kids run amok*. We did talk a bit about church stuff, but I'll leave the details out for the sake of privacy. It was really, really nice to see her, though, and I'm glad the visit went as well as it did.

We are getting used to CA, the cold nights and hot days of the desert (hm, now I want dessert), and the yummy multicultural foods surrounding us. Mmmm. Now my mouth is watering for barberry rice.

I love the new place we live in and the fact that I don't worry about running into old ward members at the grocery store or post office. I love that my relationship with Gluby is mending after everything that has happened in the last 5 years. I love the comfort and security I feel when I listen to and watch the waves crash and wash up on the beach. I love the moments when I can mourn my losses and appreciate what I have gained in return.

I have lost who I was, who I thought I was, and who I thought I would be. I have lost my expectations of a Good Mormon Family and the Celestial Kingdom (yah, like I was ever really going to get there even if it did exist). I have lost the support of a community I have known all of my life and expected to always be a part of. I have lost the relationships I used to have with my family.

(ok, now this post is looking too much like the other one - on to the better part)

I love the sense of responsibility I have gained over the last year. If there isn't a God above to take care of the homeless, the hurt, the helpless then I must step up and do something. It hits me a lot harder when I hear of wrongs committed against others or those who have suffered terribly because I don't know "with a surety" that there is a God above who will help these people in the next life.

There is a part of my heart that I am just starting to feel. It is the part of me that is starting to feel sure of things I believe in and have conviction of. It's exciting to realize I have this within me and makes me hopeful that I won't always be this slobbering mess. (Ok, I just had visions of a hairy hump-backed monster drooling and dragging one of it's feet behind it)

I guess I just wanted to say that there is another part of me that I don't always share and it is one that has moments happiness and silliness and pure laughter. Thank you to everyone out in the DAMU who have helped me on this journey. I hope there will be plenty more laughs to share with you all.

*I decided to check the dictionary to make sure this is the word I wanted to use and the first definition of amok is this:1.(among members of certain Southeast Asian cultures) a psychic disturbance characterized by depression followed by a manic urge to murder. I couldn't help but laugh as this was so not what I meant.

I miss

I miss the connection I used to have with my family.

I miss feeling like I could be myself around them.

I miss the highs that came from "feeling" "The Spirit."

I miss feeling hopeful.

I miss community.

I miss "Knowing"

I miss feeling like I have direction in my life.

I miss feeling happy and full inside

I miss "knowing" that there is a God who loves me and knows who I am and watches out for me.


I do not miss always feeling unworthy and so utterly far from being who God wanted me to be that I would never make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I do not miss feeling guilty for being a human being with sexual desires

I do not miss feeling like I always have to be a role instead of just being who I am: mother, wife, visiting teacher, primary teacher, member missionary, former full-time missionary (so I must be good at missionary opportunities, right?)

I do not miss feeling guilty for not being perfect: did I miss a missionary opportunity? did I just commit a little sin and lose The Spirit so now I won't be guided in my life? Did I do enough? I get angry, I get depressed, I lash out. If I had just studied the scriptures more or prayed more I wouldn't have re/acted that way.

I do not miss feeling the pressure to read and study "the scriptures" every day, go to the temple, go visiting teaching, have one year supply of everything, go to the cannery, genealogy, have a garden, read the Ensign, listen to GC/stake conference, feel eternally fulfilled by folding laundry and making dinner, prepare a spiritual FHE so my kids won't leave the church and forever damn my family, look happy all the time so others can see how happy we are and join the church because they'll be happy and fulfilled too.

I do not miss being afraid that I'll read, hear, or watch something that will make me "lose my testimony."

I do not miss being afraid that Satan is out to get my soul and the souls of my family.


I'll probably add more to this list as I think of them. It's kinda late and it's been a hard day.

What kind of shake?!

Warning - this post is about bowel movements (no, not mine!). Keep reading at your own volition (Thanks for the great word, Sid!)

I was reading someone's blog this last weekend, (Thanks LM and Exvestigator!! ) and found a couple of posts about their DD not being able to go to the bathroom for a couple of days due to a camping trip (8/27 and 9/09 were the posting dates). After having been home for a time it became apparent that the child needed to go to the ER to help her out. Everything came out all right in the end, (sorry, I just had to do it) but it reminded me of the 6 months or so that we struggled with our oldest child.

He had a bowel movement (BM) that was large enough to make him tear and bleed a bit. I figured he'd heal up and be fine, but over the course of the next couple of weeks it kept tearing a little and bleeding. And, of course, hurting. Eventually he started to get scared to go and he went 4 days without going. I called the dr. and they said to go get children's suppositories. By the time I got back from the store he had gone, but he had been rolling on the bed and screaming because his abdomen had started to hurt from holding it in. This started a horrible cycle that took months to get out of. (knock on wood, I hope we are out of that cycle!) We'd spend 2-4 hours trying to get him to go. This became a daily battle because if he waited even one day it might hurt the next day because it was too large or hard. Or he'd be so scared that it would hurt that he'd hold it in. I won't go in to details here, but it was hell.

I was talking with a friend about this and she told me what she does (her DD is still having problems and it has been going on for years. They finally have an appointment to go see a specialist). Anyway, what she does is give her homemade strawberry lemonade and a shake. I don't remember the exact recipe I used for the lemonade, but I do remember there was a lot less sugar and only real lemons could be used (for the diuretic affect), but I still use the shake. I'll post the recipe I use for anyone who may need to use it to help keep things flowing for their little ones.

"Caca" Shake - makes about 12 ounces of shake (I think, I've never really measured. I just know it's about the right recipe for my two boys)

1/4 -1/3 of a can of canned pear juice (make sure you buy the canned pears that are canned in pear juice not syrup)
1-2 tsp wheat germ
1-2 pear halves
1-2 tablespoons of vanilla yogurt (the less sugar the better, of course)
2 frozen peach slices
1-2 frozen strawberries
4-6 frozen blueberries
1-3 frozen raspberries
1/6 of a banana to tone down the tartness of the berries. Don't use a lot of banana because it can help stop things up, if you know what I mean. To make thing easier I usually cut the ripe bananas into 6-8 pieces and then pop them in the freezer to use as needed.

At first I gave this to him every day. Then, after he started having BMs regularly without any physical pain or emotional struggle, I would give it to him every other day. Now I do it 1-2 times a week. Sometimes less than that.

I know most of you out there will say "duh" to this, but I'll say it anyway. Remember to increase water intake along with increased fiber intake and, if possible, take the child to the doctor if things continue to go badly. The psychological problems can take months, or longer, to get over if things aren't taken care of quickly.

One choclate universe on a sugar cone coming right up

I have been thinking a lot about the emptiness I feel and how paralyzing and overwhelming the questions in life have become for me. It's like a toddler with way too many choices. What kind of ice cream do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, orange sherbet, cookies and cream, oreo, chocolate fudge, pecan, toffee, coffee, green tea, neopolitan, etc...Ok honey, now pick which one you want.

I was told growing up that there was One True Ice Cream and now I have the opportunity to find the ice cream that I chose to be the best for me. That entails finding out what kids of ice creams exist and that can be daunting. Unlike most ice creams shops, the ice creams I can chose from are not in one location. Part of me feels tired and just doesn't have the energy to figure out what I believe, and another part of me is tired because I don't have much of anything that I believe in anymore.

Because of you

You may have noticed, for those few who still read my blog, that I haven't really posted in awhile. I'm not sure where to start really. So much has happened that I haven't written about that I want to write about. I think I'll start with what has been going through my head today.

The first time I heard Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson, it was her duet with Reba McEntire (who I sometimes like) on TV and I flipped the channel 5 seconds after they started. Eventually, over time, I heard more and more of the song from flipping radio station channels and it started to grow on me. Then, about a month ago, I heard it on the way home and started to cry when I realized this song applied to me. I will post all of the lyrics but I'll only comment on those that really struck home with me.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of the church I learned never to stray from the sidewalk
and I learned to play on the safe side so I wouldn't get hurt.
Sounds like a good thing, right?  Sort of.  I wish I had been taught to
stay in places where I would be safe, or how to be safe if I left the
sidewalk, for logical reasons, real reasons.  Not ones that would make
me so afraid to stray from the sidewalk that I would have a difficult time
walking at all.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of the church I find it hard to trust myself or anyone else and I am
very afraid.  Of everything.  I had a hard time trusting God so how on earth
do I trust someone who isn't supposed to be perfect?  How do I learn how to trust?

I wish I had been taught that people will hurt me and I will hurt others, sometimes
knowingly and purposefully, other times accidentally, and that is just a part of life.
People make mistakes and that's ok and no one is going to hell or will be kept from
their most beloved family members because of it.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

I faked so much hoping and believing it would make it so.  I think I even felt that
faking it did make it so because it would eventually happen.  I had been given that
promise in General Conference talks, so that meant  if I faked it the way they said
I should that it would eventually come and that made it as good as done.   I also
faked it because I felt that if I wasn't showing happiness then others would know I
was unhappy and think/see me as the unrighteous person that I felt I was.

Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I worked very hard to not question or to make the round peg fit in the square hole.
I didn't listen to reason unless it fit within the church's doctrine or cultural
beliefs.  I did what they told me to do and was critical of the world and other
religions, but I did my best to “strengthen” my “testimony” in every way I could.
I tried to forget everything and everyone that didn't fit.  I don't know how to
trust anyone, most especially myself, and right now I just feel a black whole in
my heart.

Because of you
Because of you

If Reba McEntire gets on your nerves and you want to watch it with just Kelly Clarkson, you can go here.

The answer you've all been waiting for (drum roll please)

Why, the man of course!

Riddles and Piddles

There is a man and a dog by a tree in the city of Los Angeles and one of them is peeing. Which one is it?

Yay!

I think we might get to see Sideon again on Friday as we move all of our junk down to CA. I'm soo excited to see him and Scott again! Yay! I know, I know, I haven't even blogged yet about the first time we got together. I think about doing it often, does that count?

Anyway, we have been really busy throwing stuff out and even having a garage sale. It has been really hard but very healing. Some of the things really rip my heart out, like finding Father's Blessings we had written down afterward (which I kept), while others aren't quite so hard to see again, like The Garden music CD (we did toss that one - I never did listen to it). Either way it has been a healing process for both Gluby and I.

P.S. I love getting letters in the mail, especially when I'm not expecting to. Thanks FFG, it made my day!

I ca-an't hear you!

I deny it vehemently.

All I have to say is, "That's not my dog, I don't have a dog, my dog doesn't bite." *blowing a raspberry at Gluby*

Reality Bites

When I thought my kids had lice I really appreciated my sisters frank, honest answer. Basically she said it would be hell (though that was not the specific word she used) and then she gave me specifics on how her three month ordeal went. I loved it because I felt prepared.

I don't know if there is anyway to prepare myself for the emotions I am having at leaving Oregon. Or more specifically, Amber. Amber and I have talked this last spring about the impending move but neither of us could really grasp the reality of it. That reality hit today as I stopped on over for a moment to giver her some blackberries from the bush in our backyard. We talked for 10-15 minutes and then I said, "you know, ironically enough, or appropriately enough, I heard 'Lean on me' while I was pulling into the parking lot and it really made me think of how we have been there for each other." Of course I started to get teary and then we hugged and both started to cry. Then we talked for a few more minutes and then started to cry and hug more (you'd think I was leaving today and that I wouldn't be seeing her tomorrow). I said goodbye and walked to the car bawling. I am still emotional from the impact of reality finally hitting me square in the face.

She has been my rock and comforter over the past18 months. When I couldn't talk to Gluby I could talk to her. When I wanted to get away and giggle about everything and nothing I went to her house (or she to mine). When I had important questions about whatever I'd ask her or bounce them off of her. I had no idea the first time I met her or the first time we really started to talk just how important, influential, and stabilizing she would be in my life. I feel like I am leaving half of myself behind.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you WON’T let show

you just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For ,it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on


YA just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
call me (if you need a friend)
call me (call me)
etc...

...and (finally) back again

We are finally back home now (we got in around 7:30 last night) and it is really nice to be back. We are going to be moving in 2-3 weeks so we have got tons to do (rental truck, packing, finding a job, school stuff for S, packing, hopefully throwing out half of our stuff, packing, cleaning, packi......) so I don't know how much energy I'll have to write at the end of the day. I want to write about our trips in some detail, but I don't want to make a promise I don't know if I can keep. So, to keep you all in suspense and ensure that you will check back often I'll just say that I hope to tell you all about it very soon. :)

I will say this. You know how when you have really high expectations for something and then it doesn't meet those expectations? Like a movie you have heard really was the best movie of the year by people you know and they have seen it like 10 times and then you go and see it and say, "meh, whatever"? Well, meeting Wry Catcher, Sideon and Scott, and Bishop Rick was definitely not like that. I LOVED meeting them and had a WONDERFUL time with them, albeit waaaaay to short of a time. I hope to be seeing them all again soon. And maybe the next time we do my kids won't be so wound up from 12 hours of driving that they literally jump on top of Wry for an hour while we chat.

Journey to infinity and beyond......

Gluby and I are leaving for out trips so we will probably not be posting too much until we get back. If I can, I hope to post while I am visiting family, but we'll see how that goes. I hope you all are doing well and that you will not forget about us while we are gone!

I'm waay excited because we have plans in the making for meeting up with Wry Catcher and Sideon. Yay!!

See you all when we return!

Bullseye

Ok, I've been tagged again (I love it - makes me feel important) by Liseysmom (I know, long time ago, but I've been lazy, I mean busy.)

Here it is - "I quickly write 8 random facts/habits about myself, and then tag 8 people. If I tag you, you had better play".

1. I can't exercise with dirty teeth, so I always brush before I go for a walk, run, bike ride, etc. I also enjoy my food more if my teeth are clean. I guess because my mind is so focused on the grit that I can't focus on the chocolate?

2. I have a small scar on my forehead from my second case of chicken pox - I didn't have it bad enough the first time so I got it again. I used to notice the scar a lot more when I was younger (maybe I just had a lot more time to look at my face before I got married and had kids), but I hardly ever think about it any more.

3. I have quit the habit of popping my knuckles three times over the last 20 years. I actually went 5 years w/o popping them again the first time, about 2-3 years the second time, and only a couple of months the third time. My knuckles were really sore and it hurt to do anything, especially mow the lawn, so I started popping them again. Ugh.

4. My hair used to be straight when I was younger so I would get perms every so often to get some body and wave. The last perm I got was my sophomore year in high school and my hair never lost all of the wave. It's slightly wavy on the bottom and straight on the top.

5. I have dry eye syndrome, which I found out about on my mission. My tears dry up in about 2-3 seconds instead of the normal 15ish. I guess I'll have to wear glasses until I die as contacts are out and so is Lasik (for now anway, maybe they'll come up with something in a few years and I'll have it done when I'm 50 and it's no longer experimental)

6. I used to love to daydream ALL THE TIME! I didn't mind going on long car trips because I would spend the whole time daydreaming. I loved doing boring, mindless jobs at work because I could fantasize that some cute famous actor would see me walking down the street and be mesmerized by my inner and outer beauty. Pfft, ha, anyway.

7. I love to make spreadsheets and piles. Organized piles (I call them organized, to others they are just piles). Gluby says that explains how I can love playing Solitaire so much, I'm just making more organized piles.

8. I listened to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" for the whole summer before my Senior year of High School and didn't get that it was a story and not just a whole mix of songs like you normally hear on an album, er cassette (so now you all know I am over 25 - at least I didn't say 8 track; that would have been Neil Diamond's "Coming to America" ).

I'm going to tag Bishop Rick, JOOM, FFG, Supernova, Gluby (love ya , babe!), Degenerate Elite, T. Wanker (miss you!), and JulieAnn. Sorry if you've already been tagged and I missed it. That means I need you to do it again so I can read it and get caught up! :)

Thank you

Thanks everyone, for you advice and support in the comments on my last post. It helped me to stop and think, which, despite what Gluby may think, is actually a good thing (ha, just kidding - ahem, ok I'll be serious now) Even with all of the anxiety I have been experiencing I am excited to see my family, and Gluby's as well.

I haven't been around as much because I have no homework to avoid and I spend all of my time with the boys now (yes, that includes Gluby - for some weird reason he wants to spend time with me after we put the younger boys to bed) which leaves very little time for me to read up on blogs or post on my own. I miss you all and thank you for reading and commenting (especially commenting) and I do hope to post a bit more before we leave. But, please don't hold your breath. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's demise.