Ha, I love hearing my oldest child run wildly down the hallway for the bathroom, slam the bathroom door shut, fling the toilet seat up, all the while hearing his feet hit the floor as he is doing the pee-pee dance. You gotta love it!
Ok, I have been avoiding this long enough. I have no idea how much sense this will make because I have had so much on my mind lately. So, please forgive me if I am all over the place and nothing makes sense.
I don't know how much my family knows, but I do know that they have some idea of my inactivity. Our youngest son is 18 months, so he should be in nursery by now. I remember talking with my sisters about how weird it was when S was almost 18 months, and talking with them about the strangeness or difficulties which occurred when their kids were put in nursery. No one has mentioned it. That, for my family, is weird. Gospel discussion was part of our daily life. We would always talk about church stuff in one way or another. The fact that I just don't talk about it anymore is very telling. When they mention something about the church, I just listen but I don't really add to the conversation much, except where I feel I can and need to so I can avoid something I'm not ready for. No one is bringing up the fact that I don't talk about it because no one wants to hear me say that I haven't gone to church, though they must suspect something. And I am not ready to say it. I'm not ready to face the torrential storm of emotions they will feel and I will feel.
My younger sister called today and we were just chatting about life. She is pregnant with her third and was released as the compassionate service leader (this is someone who sets up meals or help for families in need within the ward) because her pregnancies can often be difficult. They asked her to teach every third Sunday instead. She said, "I don't know if you know the prophet we are learning about this year, but it's Spencer W. Kimball." This is quite telling. She would never say that unless she knew something was up.
I feel anxious about this. I feel a need to "know" something. But having lived how I have I find it difficult to make decisions. I learned how to compartmentalize and live with cognitive dissonance for 30 years and I am finding it hard to change that. I have read about President Hinckley's couplet, Brigham Young's ideas of the moon, yet also stating that every sermon he preached was doctrine, the three first vision accounts, the changing of the unchangeable temple ceremony, and much more (sorry, I couldn't link it to the quotes specifically, so you'll need to search on the page that is brought up if you want to see them). Yet I still doubt what I have read. I still feel something inside not willing to say, "It's wrong." Why, why, why? Why can't I just get it? I feel split in half. Half of me believes what I have read and feels free to move around, but then there is another part of me that still feels mormony in some way and can't let go.
I have done a lot of crying, wailing, and throwing things these last few days. In fact, I almost went out to chop some wood, I just didn't have the energy to get up off the floor. I felt so much anger, sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness that I had nothing left.
I hope I make it through this, whatever it is.