Saturday, January 20, 2007

Just lay it all out there

Ha, I love hearing my oldest child run wildly down the hallway for the bathroom, slam the bathroom door shut, fling the toilet seat up, all the while hearing his feet hit the floor as he is doing the pee-pee dance. You gotta love it!

Ok, I have been avoiding this long enough. I have no idea how much sense this will make because I have had so much on my mind lately. So, please forgive me if I am all over the place and nothing makes sense.

I don't know how much my family knows, but I do know that they have some idea of my inactivity. Our youngest son is 18 months, so he should be in nursery by now. I remember talking with my sisters about how weird it was when S was almost 18 months, and talking with them about the strangeness or difficulties which occurred when their kids were put in nursery. No one has mentioned it. That, for my family, is weird. Gospel discussion was part of our daily life. We would always talk about church stuff in one way or another. The fact that I just don't talk about it anymore is very telling. When they mention something about the church, I just listen but I don't really add to the conversation much, except where I feel I can and need to so I can avoid something I'm not ready for. No one is bringing up the fact that I don't talk about it because no one wants to hear me say that I haven't gone to church, though they must suspect something. And I am not ready to say it. I'm not ready to face the torrential storm of emotions they will feel and I will feel.

My younger sister called today and we were just chatting about life. She is pregnant with her third and was released as the compassionate service leader (this is someone who sets up meals or help for families in need within the ward) because her pregnancies can often be difficult. They asked her to teach every third Sunday instead. She said, "I don't know if you know the prophet we are learning about this year, but it's Spencer W. Kimball." This is quite telling. She would never say that unless she knew something was up.

I feel anxious about this. I feel a need to "know" something. But having lived how I have I find it difficult to make decisions. I learned how to compartmentalize and live with cognitive dissonance for 30 years and I am finding it hard to change that. I have read about President Hinckley's couplet, Brigham Young's ideas of the moon, yet also stating that every sermon he preached was doctrine, the three first vision accounts, the changing of the unchangeable temple ceremony, and much more (sorry, I couldn't link it to the quotes specifically, so you'll need to search on the page that is brought up if you want to see them). Yet I still doubt what I have read. I still feel something inside not willing to say, "It's wrong." Why, why, why? Why can't I just get it? I feel split in half. Half of me believes what I have read and feels free to move around, but then there is another part of me that still feels mormony in some way and can't let go.

I have done a lot of crying, wailing, and throwing things these last few days. In fact, I almost went out to chop some wood, I just didn't have the energy to get up off the floor. I felt so much anger, sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness that I had nothing left.

I hope I make it through this, whatever it is.


MattMan said...

LB, I really feel for you here.

Many people don't know that I left mormonism twice. The first time I left, I was really pissed and wanted to run the other way. Despite advice to go slow and let my heart catch up with my head, I kept going and thought I was fine.

But when the heat was turned on (mostly, if not completely, from my wife), I went back. I felt confused, much like you're describing here.

I wasted 5 more years of my life as a result of that. Maybe it wasn't a waste because I'm *sure* this time. Maybe I wasn't ready then, I don't know.

Personally, I think there is more enough evidence out there to show beyond a reasonable doubt that it's a fraud. But the evidence required seems to be different for everyone. The Egyptian papyrus (which the church has in its possession, since the 60s) is, in my opinion, the most damning evidence that JS was a fraud and couldn't translate diddly.

If you ever feel that your list of resources is a bit short, I'd be more than happy to share my long list of links I used in my exodus (which included meandering through christianity as well).

I hate the thought of seeing you waste more years of your life in cog dis or confusion, by going down the same dead end path like I did, but you have to do what you feel you need to do in the end. Best of luck to you!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

LB, you know I love you no matter what. I can understand what you're feeling. It's not easy.

Out of curiosity, what did you throw? I've never been brave enough to actually throw something when I was mad. Could be kinda fun, I imagine...

Hang in there. And...if your family is not all over you, then maybe that's a good sign that they respect your choices, even if they don't fully understand.

Lemon Blossom said...

Thank you so much for your kind words Mattman and SML. They both made me cry, but in that good way.

That must have been so hard for you to leave, go back, and then leave again. There must have been more pain and anguish which happened during this time than can be expressed. I'm sorry. If you felt/feel anything like I do right now, I'm sorry. It's so hard. I know things will get better, but....well, you know.

At least I can tell Gluby that I'm not the only one who takes 5 years! I would love to see some of the links which helped you out. You can email me or just post some links on my blog. Sometimes it helps to have some added focus. Thanks for your thoughtfulness! I hope things are going well in your life right now. How are the braces working out? Are things going any better with your family?

SML - Thanks. Feeling love and support always help me out the most.

I have only thrown things once before and it was when I was seriously losing it. Get ready to see me at my worst. I flipped over our rolling office chair, slammed the office door shut, ran crying and screaming from the office to the living room, threw the laundry basket across the room, grabbed the stack of mail on the coffee table and launched it in the same direction as the laundry basket, and I finally collapsed on the mattress on the floor. I think I even swore during this episode,(which, if you know me, is *huge*) but I don't remember what words I used.

Thanks, that is something I hadn't thought of, but it gives me hope. I know they will be pretty respectful, whatever happens. I just dread the wall it has and will continue to put there.

Thank you both, you have lifted my spirits more than I thought possible right now.

Now that you all think I'm a crazy lunatic.....actually, sometimes I think I'm a crazy lunatic so I guess we are all on the same page.

And, yes, poor Gluby is doing his best to help me and keep sane at the same time. So 100 Sunbeam points for you, Honey!

Liseysmom said...

I very much remember feeling like my brain was going to implode as I was on my way out of the church. I cried all the time, was angry all the time, had nightmares all the time...

I really wouldn't wish the process on anybody. But then again, it's so beautiful on the other side that it is worth it. That is why I think our blogs and the whole internet DAMU is so important. You know you aren't alone. You know other people are feeling it, have felt it, and you can survive and yes, even blossom.

supernova said...

Hang in there, LB... I may not be able to completely relate to what you're feeling, but I'm sure you'll be out of this difficult phase soon... Sending *hugs* your way...

Lemon Blossom said...

Liseysmom - It's amazing how many nightmares I have now. It's a wonder that I ever sleep anymore.

When I finally get over to the other side we'll go out and have a drink and you can show me around!

Supernova - You are so sweet! Thanks for the kinds words and the hugs. Hope the exams are going well!

Just one of many said...

Been there...I know it doesn't help, but it is good to know your not alone!

Freckle Face Girl said...

You are so right that it is not only about not believing. Mormonism is a way of life & part of a culture not just a religion. It is one of the ways you used to connect with your family. They obviously know, but throwing it out there is not always so easy. I hope you can get past your emotional turmoil and realize they will still love you. Of course, they will probably try to reconvert you for the rest of your life, but that is a strong part of the culture too. It is annoying, but it is their way of saying they love you.

Bishop Rick said...


I am 100% sure the LDS church is a fraud, and I still have doubts creep in from time to time.

As time goes by, those doubts are less frequent and alot easier to dismiss.

Brainwashing is a very powerful thing and the LDS church starts brainwashing in Nursery.

Lemon Blossom said...

JOOM - It is good to know that I am not alone. Thanks for reading my blog and letting me know you are there!

FFG - I remember telling people that mormonism is more than just a religion, it is a way of life, and feeling so happy that I had something I believed in which guided my every decision. Now I have a hard time making them on my own.

I know they will still love me, but they won't know me anymore and that saddens me endlessly. And I know I will disappoint and hurt them soo much. Sigh.

BR - Ugh. I was hoping they would go away forever.

I remember the first time I felt uncomfortable while in primary during sharing time. Feeling uncomfortable with church doctrine and practices made me squirm. Is there some sort of shampoo I can use to clean out the brainwashing I received 30 years ago?