Button, button, who pushed the button

I swear I don't do this just to push Gluby's buttons. Really. I don't. *Ahem.*

This morning, while in the shower, I started singing, "Jingle Bells," "12 Days of Christmas," O Christmas Tree," etc. This drives Gluby nuts for two reasons. 1) Songs get stuck in his head very easily and take weeks to get them out (one song he had in there for a year or more. He had "I'm a Little Tea Pot" in there for so long he wrote 4 part harmony for it). 2) He is not big on Christmas (to say the least), especially before Thanskgiving.

So he may roll his eyes a bit when I start singing these Christmas songs so early in November (or when I sing them in March. Or June. Or August.), or start singing "Like a Virgin" over my singing so as not to hear me. Especially when "O Christmas Tree" has specifically four words: O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. La la la la, la la la la. La la la la la la la la. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, la la la la la la la. (I just don't get it. Can anyone tell my why he would not like me singing this over, and over, and over again?!)

I am not, I repeat, I am not singing these songs just to push buttons. And I vehemently deny any accusations even implying I would do such a thing.

Do I protest too much?

Ok, ok, here's a real post

I'm working on a Christopher Columbus post (which I have been thinking about writing for almost a year) and also on the next "portion" of my "exit" story, so hopefully you all will have some long boring posts to read soon.

Last week, before all of the fires, we let our cats out to go get some sun. After about 10 minutes I noticed that they had come back in and that one of them was staring intently at the ground. I have grown up with cats and I knew that look. I tried to figure out what the cat had brought in and where it was. I finally saw it lying at the cat's feet, on the carpet, almost covered up by our bedspread. A lizard.

Now, I grew up with pet lizards and rats, so it didn't freak me out, but I wondered if it was still alive and in agony. I got Gluby's attention, and of course the boys' attention as well, and we tried to find something to touch it with. As we were talking about it's hit point status and looking for it's "life bar," the cat was periodically checking as well by pushing it with her paw. Suddenly the lizard took off and ran underneath the bedspread over by the top of the bed and our dresser. We all sprang into action. The cats tried to stick their noses under the bedspread (it's a king size spread on a queen mattress, so it covers the floor a bit) while Gluby tried looking behind the dresser. I ran down the stairs to go look for a glass jar and a lid and the boys climbed on the bed to see what they could see. (Now I'm singing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain")

After climbing the stairs two at a time I helped Gluby move the dresser and push the cats out of the way. I saw the lizard nestled under the lamp and alarm clock cords, so Gluby got his Marine sword to see if he could nudge it toward me and into the jar. It didn't move the first few times and then took off toward me. I wasn't prepared for its movement, even though I had been kneeling for about 4 minutes with the mouth of the jar ready where I hoped the lizard would run, so I yelped and jumped away as he ran back under the bedspread right past me. I turned around and saw it hidden just a few inches away. I bent down and put the mouth of the jar at his head and pushed his tail with the lid. He ran in and I quickly put the lid on top.

This whole time the boys were jumping around trying to see and to help. They were of course fascinated by the lizard and ogled at it for a few minutes until we took it back outside to let it go. Talk about excitement for the day. And Gluby looooved my yelp, by the way, and giggled, I mean chortled, over it the rest of the day.

Snarkiness

Hi!

Not everything is dire, right?

Okay, I'm not always dire, though Gluby might say otherwise (insert smiley here), so I thought I would write a post about something that isn't dire. Or about poop.

Hm, what does it say about me that I have been mulling over this post for 10 minutes with nothing to say? Maybe I do need life to be dire to post.

Let's see. One of my sister's came to visit me yesterday and we had a nice day sitting and chatting and letting our kids run amok*. We did talk a bit about church stuff, but I'll leave the details out for the sake of privacy. It was really, really nice to see her, though, and I'm glad the visit went as well as it did.

We are getting used to CA, the cold nights and hot days of the desert (hm, now I want dessert), and the yummy multicultural foods surrounding us. Mmmm. Now my mouth is watering for barberry rice.

I love the new place we live in and the fact that I don't worry about running into old ward members at the grocery store or post office. I love that my relationship with Gluby is mending after everything that has happened in the last 5 years. I love the comfort and security I feel when I listen to and watch the waves crash and wash up on the beach. I love the moments when I can mourn my losses and appreciate what I have gained in return.

I have lost who I was, who I thought I was, and who I thought I would be. I have lost my expectations of a Good Mormon Family and the Celestial Kingdom (yah, like I was ever really going to get there even if it did exist). I have lost the support of a community I have known all of my life and expected to always be a part of. I have lost the relationships I used to have with my family.

(ok, now this post is looking too much like the other one - on to the better part)

I love the sense of responsibility I have gained over the last year. If there isn't a God above to take care of the homeless, the hurt, the helpless then I must step up and do something. It hits me a lot harder when I hear of wrongs committed against others or those who have suffered terribly because I don't know "with a surety" that there is a God above who will help these people in the next life.

There is a part of my heart that I am just starting to feel. It is the part of me that is starting to feel sure of things I believe in and have conviction of. It's exciting to realize I have this within me and makes me hopeful that I won't always be this slobbering mess. (Ok, I just had visions of a hairy hump-backed monster drooling and dragging one of it's feet behind it)

I guess I just wanted to say that there is another part of me that I don't always share and it is one that has moments happiness and silliness and pure laughter. Thank you to everyone out in the DAMU who have helped me on this journey. I hope there will be plenty more laughs to share with you all.

*I decided to check the dictionary to make sure this is the word I wanted to use and the first definition of amok is this:1.(among members of certain Southeast Asian cultures) a psychic disturbance characterized by depression followed by a manic urge to murder. I couldn't help but laugh as this was so not what I meant.

I miss

I miss the connection I used to have with my family.

I miss feeling like I could be myself around them.

I miss the highs that came from "feeling" "The Spirit."

I miss feeling hopeful.

I miss community.

I miss "Knowing"

I miss feeling like I have direction in my life.

I miss feeling happy and full inside

I miss "knowing" that there is a God who loves me and knows who I am and watches out for me.


I do not miss always feeling unworthy and so utterly far from being who God wanted me to be that I would never make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I do not miss feeling guilty for being a human being with sexual desires

I do not miss feeling like I always have to be a role instead of just being who I am: mother, wife, visiting teacher, primary teacher, member missionary, former full-time missionary (so I must be good at missionary opportunities, right?)

I do not miss feeling guilty for not being perfect: did I miss a missionary opportunity? did I just commit a little sin and lose The Spirit so now I won't be guided in my life? Did I do enough? I get angry, I get depressed, I lash out. If I had just studied the scriptures more or prayed more I wouldn't have re/acted that way.

I do not miss feeling the pressure to read and study "the scriptures" every day, go to the temple, go visiting teaching, have one year supply of everything, go to the cannery, genealogy, have a garden, read the Ensign, listen to GC/stake conference, feel eternally fulfilled by folding laundry and making dinner, prepare a spiritual FHE so my kids won't leave the church and forever damn my family, look happy all the time so others can see how happy we are and join the church because they'll be happy and fulfilled too.

I do not miss being afraid that I'll read, hear, or watch something that will make me "lose my testimony."

I do not miss being afraid that Satan is out to get my soul and the souls of my family.


I'll probably add more to this list as I think of them. It's kinda late and it's been a hard day.

What kind of shake?!

Warning - this post is about bowel movements (no, not mine!). Keep reading at your own volition (Thanks for the great word, Sid!)

I was reading someone's blog this last weekend, (Thanks LM and Exvestigator!! ) and found a couple of posts about their DD not being able to go to the bathroom for a couple of days due to a camping trip (8/27 and 9/09 were the posting dates). After having been home for a time it became apparent that the child needed to go to the ER to help her out. Everything came out all right in the end, (sorry, I just had to do it) but it reminded me of the 6 months or so that we struggled with our oldest child.

He had a bowel movement (BM) that was large enough to make him tear and bleed a bit. I figured he'd heal up and be fine, but over the course of the next couple of weeks it kept tearing a little and bleeding. And, of course, hurting. Eventually he started to get scared to go and he went 4 days without going. I called the dr. and they said to go get children's suppositories. By the time I got back from the store he had gone, but he had been rolling on the bed and screaming because his abdomen had started to hurt from holding it in. This started a horrible cycle that took months to get out of. (knock on wood, I hope we are out of that cycle!) We'd spend 2-4 hours trying to get him to go. This became a daily battle because if he waited even one day it might hurt the next day because it was too large or hard. Or he'd be so scared that it would hurt that he'd hold it in. I won't go in to details here, but it was hell.

I was talking with a friend about this and she told me what she does (her DD is still having problems and it has been going on for years. They finally have an appointment to go see a specialist). Anyway, what she does is give her homemade strawberry lemonade and a shake. I don't remember the exact recipe I used for the lemonade, but I do remember there was a lot less sugar and only real lemons could be used (for the diuretic affect), but I still use the shake. I'll post the recipe I use for anyone who may need to use it to help keep things flowing for their little ones.

"Caca" Shake - makes about 12 ounces of shake (I think, I've never really measured. I just know it's about the right recipe for my two boys)

1/4 -1/3 of a can of canned pear juice (make sure you buy the canned pears that are canned in pear juice not syrup)
1-2 tsp wheat germ
1-2 pear halves
1-2 tablespoons of vanilla yogurt (the less sugar the better, of course)
2 frozen peach slices
1-2 frozen strawberries
4-6 frozen blueberries
1-3 frozen raspberries
1/6 of a banana to tone down the tartness of the berries. Don't use a lot of banana because it can help stop things up, if you know what I mean. To make thing easier I usually cut the ripe bananas into 6-8 pieces and then pop them in the freezer to use as needed.

At first I gave this to him every day. Then, after he started having BMs regularly without any physical pain or emotional struggle, I would give it to him every other day. Now I do it 1-2 times a week. Sometimes less than that.

I know most of you out there will say "duh" to this, but I'll say it anyway. Remember to increase water intake along with increased fiber intake and, if possible, take the child to the doctor if things continue to go badly. The psychological problems can take months, or longer, to get over if things aren't taken care of quickly.

One choclate universe on a sugar cone coming right up

I have been thinking a lot about the emptiness I feel and how paralyzing and overwhelming the questions in life have become for me. It's like a toddler with way too many choices. What kind of ice cream do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, orange sherbet, cookies and cream, oreo, chocolate fudge, pecan, toffee, coffee, green tea, neopolitan, etc...Ok honey, now pick which one you want.

I was told growing up that there was One True Ice Cream and now I have the opportunity to find the ice cream that I chose to be the best for me. That entails finding out what kids of ice creams exist and that can be daunting. Unlike most ice creams shops, the ice creams I can chose from are not in one location. Part of me feels tired and just doesn't have the energy to figure out what I believe, and another part of me is tired because I don't have much of anything that I believe in anymore.

Because of you

You may have noticed, for those few who still read my blog, that I haven't really posted in awhile. I'm not sure where to start really. So much has happened that I haven't written about that I want to write about. I think I'll start with what has been going through my head today.

The first time I heard Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson, it was her duet with Reba McEntire (who I sometimes like) on TV and I flipped the channel 5 seconds after they started. Eventually, over time, I heard more and more of the song from flipping radio station channels and it started to grow on me. Then, about a month ago, I heard it on the way home and started to cry when I realized this song applied to me. I will post all of the lyrics but I'll only comment on those that really struck home with me.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of the church I learned never to stray from the sidewalk
and I learned to play on the safe side so I wouldn't get hurt.
Sounds like a good thing, right?  Sort of.  I wish I had been taught to
stay in places where I would be safe, or how to be safe if I left the
sidewalk, for logical reasons, real reasons.  Not ones that would make
me so afraid to stray from the sidewalk that I would have a difficult time
walking at all.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of the church I find it hard to trust myself or anyone else and I am
very afraid.  Of everything.  I had a hard time trusting God so how on earth
do I trust someone who isn't supposed to be perfect?  How do I learn how to trust?

I wish I had been taught that people will hurt me and I will hurt others, sometimes
knowingly and purposefully, other times accidentally, and that is just a part of life.
People make mistakes and that's ok and no one is going to hell or will be kept from
their most beloved family members because of it.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

I faked so much hoping and believing it would make it so.  I think I even felt that
faking it did make it so because it would eventually happen.  I had been given that
promise in General Conference talks, so that meant  if I faked it the way they said
I should that it would eventually come and that made it as good as done.   I also
faked it because I felt that if I wasn't showing happiness then others would know I
was unhappy and think/see me as the unrighteous person that I felt I was.

Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I worked very hard to not question or to make the round peg fit in the square hole.
I didn't listen to reason unless it fit within the church's doctrine or cultural
beliefs.  I did what they told me to do and was critical of the world and other
religions, but I did my best to “strengthen” my “testimony” in every way I could.
I tried to forget everything and everyone that didn't fit.  I don't know how to
trust anyone, most especially myself, and right now I just feel a black whole in
my heart.

Because of you
Because of you

If Reba McEntire gets on your nerves and you want to watch it with just Kelly Clarkson, you can go here.

The answer you've all been waiting for (drum roll please)

Why, the man of course!

Riddles and Piddles

There is a man and a dog by a tree in the city of Los Angeles and one of them is peeing. Which one is it?

Yay!

I think we might get to see Sideon again on Friday as we move all of our junk down to CA. I'm soo excited to see him and Scott again! Yay! I know, I know, I haven't even blogged yet about the first time we got together. I think about doing it often, does that count?

Anyway, we have been really busy throwing stuff out and even having a garage sale. It has been really hard but very healing. Some of the things really rip my heart out, like finding Father's Blessings we had written down afterward (which I kept), while others aren't quite so hard to see again, like The Garden music CD (we did toss that one - I never did listen to it). Either way it has been a healing process for both Gluby and I.

P.S. I love getting letters in the mail, especially when I'm not expecting to. Thanks FFG, it made my day!

I ca-an't hear you!

I deny it vehemently.

All I have to say is, "That's not my dog, I don't have a dog, my dog doesn't bite." *blowing a raspberry at Gluby*

Reality Bites

When I thought my kids had lice I really appreciated my sisters frank, honest answer. Basically she said it would be hell (though that was not the specific word she used) and then she gave me specifics on how her three month ordeal went. I loved it because I felt prepared.

I don't know if there is anyway to prepare myself for the emotions I am having at leaving Oregon. Or more specifically, Amber. Amber and I have talked this last spring about the impending move but neither of us could really grasp the reality of it. That reality hit today as I stopped on over for a moment to giver her some blackberries from the bush in our backyard. We talked for 10-15 minutes and then I said, "you know, ironically enough, or appropriately enough, I heard 'Lean on me' while I was pulling into the parking lot and it really made me think of how we have been there for each other." Of course I started to get teary and then we hugged and both started to cry. Then we talked for a few more minutes and then started to cry and hug more (you'd think I was leaving today and that I wouldn't be seeing her tomorrow). I said goodbye and walked to the car bawling. I am still emotional from the impact of reality finally hitting me square in the face.

She has been my rock and comforter over the past18 months. When I couldn't talk to Gluby I could talk to her. When I wanted to get away and giggle about everything and nothing I went to her house (or she to mine). When I had important questions about whatever I'd ask her or bounce them off of her. I had no idea the first time I met her or the first time we really started to talk just how important, influential, and stabilizing she would be in my life. I feel like I am leaving half of myself behind.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you WON’T let show

you just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For ,it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on


YA just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
call me (if you need a friend)
call me (call me)
etc...

...and (finally) back again

We are finally back home now (we got in around 7:30 last night) and it is really nice to be back. We are going to be moving in 2-3 weeks so we have got tons to do (rental truck, packing, finding a job, school stuff for S, packing, hopefully throwing out half of our stuff, packing, cleaning, packi......) so I don't know how much energy I'll have to write at the end of the day. I want to write about our trips in some detail, but I don't want to make a promise I don't know if I can keep. So, to keep you all in suspense and ensure that you will check back often I'll just say that I hope to tell you all about it very soon. :)

I will say this. You know how when you have really high expectations for something and then it doesn't meet those expectations? Like a movie you have heard really was the best movie of the year by people you know and they have seen it like 10 times and then you go and see it and say, "meh, whatever"? Well, meeting Wry Catcher, Sideon and Scott, and Bishop Rick was definitely not like that. I LOVED meeting them and had a WONDERFUL time with them, albeit waaaaay to short of a time. I hope to be seeing them all again soon. And maybe the next time we do my kids won't be so wound up from 12 hours of driving that they literally jump on top of Wry for an hour while we chat.

Journey to infinity and beyond......

Gluby and I are leaving for out trips so we will probably not be posting too much until we get back. If I can, I hope to post while I am visiting family, but we'll see how that goes. I hope you all are doing well and that you will not forget about us while we are gone!

I'm waay excited because we have plans in the making for meeting up with Wry Catcher and Sideon. Yay!!

See you all when we return!

Bullseye

Ok, I've been tagged again (I love it - makes me feel important) by Liseysmom (I know, long time ago, but I've been lazy, I mean busy.)

Here it is - "I quickly write 8 random facts/habits about myself, and then tag 8 people. If I tag you, you had better play".

1. I can't exercise with dirty teeth, so I always brush before I go for a walk, run, bike ride, etc. I also enjoy my food more if my teeth are clean. I guess because my mind is so focused on the grit that I can't focus on the chocolate?

2. I have a small scar on my forehead from my second case of chicken pox - I didn't have it bad enough the first time so I got it again. I used to notice the scar a lot more when I was younger (maybe I just had a lot more time to look at my face before I got married and had kids), but I hardly ever think about it any more.

3. I have quit the habit of popping my knuckles three times over the last 20 years. I actually went 5 years w/o popping them again the first time, about 2-3 years the second time, and only a couple of months the third time. My knuckles were really sore and it hurt to do anything, especially mow the lawn, so I started popping them again. Ugh.

4. My hair used to be straight when I was younger so I would get perms every so often to get some body and wave. The last perm I got was my sophomore year in high school and my hair never lost all of the wave. It's slightly wavy on the bottom and straight on the top.

5. I have dry eye syndrome, which I found out about on my mission. My tears dry up in about 2-3 seconds instead of the normal 15ish. I guess I'll have to wear glasses until I die as contacts are out and so is Lasik (for now anway, maybe they'll come up with something in a few years and I'll have it done when I'm 50 and it's no longer experimental)

6. I used to love to daydream ALL THE TIME! I didn't mind going on long car trips because I would spend the whole time daydreaming. I loved doing boring, mindless jobs at work because I could fantasize that some cute famous actor would see me walking down the street and be mesmerized by my inner and outer beauty. Pfft, ha, anyway.

7. I love to make spreadsheets and piles. Organized piles (I call them organized, to others they are just piles). Gluby says that explains how I can love playing Solitaire so much, I'm just making more organized piles.

8. I listened to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" for the whole summer before my Senior year of High School and didn't get that it was a story and not just a whole mix of songs like you normally hear on an album, er cassette (so now you all know I am over 25 - at least I didn't say 8 track; that would have been Neil Diamond's "Coming to America" ).

I'm going to tag Bishop Rick, JOOM, FFG, Supernova, Gluby (love ya , babe!), Degenerate Elite, T. Wanker (miss you!), and JulieAnn. Sorry if you've already been tagged and I missed it. That means I need you to do it again so I can read it and get caught up! :)

Thank you

Thanks everyone, for you advice and support in the comments on my last post. It helped me to stop and think, which, despite what Gluby may think, is actually a good thing (ha, just kidding - ahem, ok I'll be serious now) Even with all of the anxiety I have been experiencing I am excited to see my family, and Gluby's as well.

I haven't been around as much because I have no homework to avoid and I spend all of my time with the boys now (yes, that includes Gluby - for some weird reason he wants to spend time with me after we put the younger boys to bed) which leaves very little time for me to read up on blogs or post on my own. I miss you all and thank you for reading and commenting (especially commenting) and I do hope to post a bit more before we leave. But, please don't hold your breath. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's demise.

Socks - check; Shoes - check; Anxiety - check

I will be visiting family and friends within the next month and am starting to feel very anxious about it. I haven't told anyone except my parents, siblings and my grandmother. My parents have visited twice since I told them, one planned and one very unplanned, but both of them happened here.

Now I will be venturing back to where I grew up and where most of the people I know are TBM (at least as far as I know) and I am getting very anxious about it. Part of me wants to shout out from the rooftops that I don't believe anymore so I won't have to deal with the shocked expressions over and over again in individual situations when speaking with friends, or even family, who haven't heard yet. Mostly friends though, as I think most of the family I might see on this trip will already have heard.

Do I send an email to my old pack of friends, none of whom I really write or talk to more than once or twice a year yet still consider a friend because we were friends for so long? Do I pretend I am not in town and just not call them? I know at least one, if not more, of these friends will feel hurt if she doesn't hear this from me because we used to be very good friends. I just hate to open that box. Though I know I have to, especially as it may already have been pierced by rumors. At least if I tell them all myself they will have more of the "facts." (though obviously not much more than "I don't believe anymore" will be included in the letter as I don't think they would take well to reading the impossibility of certain biblical and B of M stories)

The Beginning of the End

Gluby and I had been married for 16 months when I finally pulled it out of him that he was having doubts. I knew something was up because he was always upset, angry, or aloof after church or "fulfilling" his calling as the ward mission leader. One day after church I sat down at the table and basically said, "hey, I know something is bothering you and I want to know what it is. You are always upset on Sundays. Why?" He said nothing was bothering him, he was ok, he was fine. I said, "No, you are not fine. I can tell something is upsetting you. Please tell me. Please talk to me." He was silent for awhile and then he said, "I have been having some doubts about the church."

My stomach dropped to my feet and my heart started pounding. In my head I minimized it by saying that these must be just regular doubts that everyone has and everything will be ok. It's just a bigger deal to him because he's only been a member for 2 1/2 years and this must be the first real trial of his testimony. I asked him what his doubts were about. He said that he didn't want to tell me in case they caused me to doubt. I, of course, was above doubting enough to cause real problems, so I urged him to tell me. He again stated his worry about causing me to doubt. At the end of the discussion we both felt like this was something he could overcome by reading, praying, fasting, and continuing to go to church. I also felt he should go talk to the bishop about it to maybe get a blessing or answers to his questions. He didn't get along too well with the bishop so he felt uncomfortable doing so. I, of course, "knew" that whatever differences they had would melt away as the bishop followed the promptings of the Spirit to help him. But, I didn't push the issue because I also knew Gluby needed to want to go.

The next 18 months were a roller coaster ride. We felt hope, Gluby even had what I considered to be a spiritual experience where he "definitely" felt the Holy Ghost and I thanked Heavenly Father for giving him that to help him overcome his doubts. I knew that we were back on track. But he still struggled with so many things, very few of which he felt comfortable telling me. He didn't want anyone to know, and we both felt things would straighten out soon, so we didn't tell anyone.

This period of time was very difficult because it seemed every time we took a step forward we took 5 steps backward. I started to fear he would become "inactive" someday. I subconsciously felt the need to become a super Mormon to make up for his doubts and to be an example to him to help him overcome his doubts and to get blessings in heaven so God would bless him with a testimony and to bring an extra special spirit into our home and and and and and......

I did everything extra mile because I knew we would be blessed and that if I just lived worthily that he would be ok. Or, if he did become inactive, that he would eventually come back. Then he read a quote by Brigham Young condoning the slavery of blacks. Then President Hinckley basically stated his support for war after September 11. Then he went in and talked with the bishop. I vacillated between believing that God was giving us these trials because we could overcome them and believing that Satan was putting these things in front of him and that all was lost. That Satan was out to get him and he was winning.

I remember when Gluby left for the appointment with the bishop that I felt lighthearted and hopeful and I just knew things would improve. I was happier and more hopeful than I had felt since he told me over a year earlier. When he came home I was dumbfounded. Gluby was angrier than I had ever seen him before because of the way the bishop had treated him. I will let Gluby write more about this if he wants to, but the parts that stick out in my mind are that the bishop kept asking him if he was living the law of chastity and then asked him if he ever left would he be able to leave the church alone. He was livid that the bishop would accuse him of having an affair or looking at porn and have that be the reason he had these doubts; that he must be sinning otherwise he wouldn't be having these problems. And then not believe him when he told him he was living the law of chastity as to ask him this question three times.

My hopes were crushed. I was angry that the bishop had treated him that way and I was angry that he had acted in a way that had pushed Gluby further away. Why hadn't the Spirit prompted him to say things that would help Gluby? We were both doing everything we could and yet nothing was changing or improving. Was I not righteous enough to be a good influence on my husband to help bring him back? What was I doing wrong? I was so confused, hurt, angry, helpless and hopeless. And I couldn't talk to anyone about any of it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Yikes, I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted (if you can actually count a two liner as a post). Things have been busy around the house in LemonLand. I finished the term, had my parents out the next day for the weekend (Gluby was jumping up and down with joy at that one), and trying to catch up on things I have left to pile up. Things which are more than laundry and dust. I have been in lurker mode for a bit, just not able to put my heart into much more than a quick hello. I hope that I'll work up the motivation to write a post about what it was like for me as an inbetweener while I was TBM and Gluby wasn't, as well as one about Christopher Columbus. He was actually the issue that allowed me to open the door to questioning my beliefs about the church.

Now that I have you all curious I'm going to go play. Bye!