You gotta love a good snarky remark

I stopped by FMH again today and the most recent post is about praying to Heavenly Mother. The second comment made me laugh.

1. But how can you be sure you get the right mother in heaven?

   Comment by Anonymous — May 30, 2007 @ 12:31 pm

Just a shout out to family

I just wanted to say a big "hi!" to the family members who know about this blog and hop on over. I am glad you stop by to read it!

Now, just to let the frequent commenters and lurkers know, these are NOMs, ex-mormons, or never-mos who know about it, not my TBM family members. I don't think that I'll ever tell my TBM family about it because it would just be too hard for them to deal with.

Things are going ok. I am up and down a lot and have anxiety attacks sometimes, but I have been feeling better these last couple of days. I talked with both of my sisters today and nothing about the "situation" came up while we were on the phone. Can anyone say "Fun!"?

Something dumb this way comes

This is what I wrote on FLAK about my conversation with my younger sister. Obviously this was written before I had talked with my older sister yesterday. My conversation with my younger sister didn't go quite so well. I mean, overall it did, but I started to babble and drool. I so wanted her to not feel threatened by me that I basically said that she should feel open to sharing spiritual experiences with me (please, please bear your testimony to me!) and that she needn't worry about me "mocking" her (she actually said that word) or casting "pearls before swine" (that last one was me. What?! I'm comparing myself to swine now?!? Get me off the phone NOW!) Sigh. I know my sister doesn't really think I'll mock her, but that she used that word anyway, and had the guts to say that she isn't sure she'll feel open to sharing her spiritual side with me, was hard to take and I just fell flat on my face. Fortunately she is less TBM than my older sister and my mother and I think I will be able to "straighten" things out over time. I haven't talked with my older sister yet and really dread it. Overall, right now I know I did what was best and what I needed to, but I wish it would all go away. I am so tired and depressed. I feel no relief of stress or "happiness" or anything like I had hoped I would after sending the letter. I keep picturing myself handling everything with confidence and dignity. That conversation proved I lack both right now! I think that those things will come with time, but that I am just dealing with a lot of difficult emotions and I have never really learned how to assert myself with dignity or confidence. I hope I get it fast before I really do something stupid.

Family reactions

In rereading this post I decided to delete for the sake of privacy for all of those concerned. For anyone reading this for the first time, my family handled it better than I had hoped and things are going well. I have saved all of the comments for my personal records and say thank you to everyone who posted one. If you have questions you'd like to ask me about anything, please feel free to email me.

Oh, that elephant?

Gluby and I had an interesting IM conversation this afternoon while I was trying to study and just kind of comprehend what I did last night. glubyglobglob: you there? lb: yes glubyglobglob: Try and think of one really stressful thing I could tell you. lb: um, one of the kids is hurt and needs to go to the dr. lb: or they are dead lb: bleeding to death glubyglobglob: How about something like, your parents are in the living room. lb: you want to spend $1,000 lb: ha lb: ok, now that made my heart jump glubyglobglob: That would be funny, wouldn't it? lb: um, no lb: really lb: my heart is still pumping glubyglobglob: If your mother was on the floor sitting with 2 looking at blocks. glubyglobglob: If your father was sitting on the fireplace bricks. glubyglobglob: Now that would be ... lb: please tell me you aren't serious glubyglobglob: They're here, honey. lb: because my heart is seriously pounding glubyglobglob: I am dead serious. lb: what? glubyglobglob: No jokes. glubyglobglob: No playing. glubyglobglob: They drove. lb: please lb: please glubyglobglob: Sweetheart. lb: please tell me you aren't serious lb: please glubyglobglob: No jokes. lb: I know glubyglobglob: I would NEVER play with you like this. glubyglobglob: Not for longer than an instant. lb: I think I am going to faint glubyglobglob: So much for waiting til Sunday. lb: do they know that you have talked with me? glubyglobglob: About the church? glubyglobglob: No. glubyglobglob: I just told them I would check on something. lb: did they ask where I was? glubyglobglob: I told them you're out studying. glubyglobglob: What do you want me to tell them? lb: that I am still out studying glubyglobglob: Not coming now? lb: and I am never coming home Ok, so I obviously did go home, but not before I hyperventilated and tried calling A. twice (using someone else's cell phone - what a nice person). While I was Instant Messaging Gluby I considered having him tell my parents that he wasn't able to get a hold of me and then I could take an hour or two to avoid them, but we realized that it would just drag things out for everyone and that I needed to be honest with myself and well as with them. I did drive to A.'s house so I could share my woes with her, but she wasn't home, so I decided I had just better go home. It was probably better this way anyway because I have to do this on my own and crying to A. would just make me feel even more like I didn't want to face this alone (well, of course Gluby is there, but you all know what I mean). This is what I wrote on FLAK about today: Thanks everyone. This is one of those things I'll laugh about later, right? Well, so far things have gone better than I imagined. By the time I finally got home I was as composed as I could be. I walked in the door and gave my 5 yr old a hug and saw my dad. I gave him a big hug and then walked into the front room where my mom was playing with our 2 yr old. We hugged for about 2 minutes and we didn't say anything. We just hugged and it felt loving and nice. We haven't talked about anything dealing with the church or the letter yet. Partly because we went out to eat and ended up going to the store for necessities and didn't get home until after 10:00. By the time the kids were in bed, and their bed was put up, it was pretty late and everyone was tired. So, if anything is said it will be tomorrow before they leave. The nice part about tonight has been that we all know there is an elephant in the room that will be acknowledged, but that it isn't uncomfortable. Part of me wonders if we will talk about it at all before they leave. I can actually see my parents coming out here (a 9 hour drive) to let me know that they love me, that they understand things have been hard and just want to be with me. Of course, I can also see them bringing it up as tactfully and lovingly as they can. And if they overstep any boundaries I want to have up I'll kindly and lovingly let them know. Another nice thing is that none of this is fake, not on their part and not on my part, though we all know that they wish I still believed. I know that there will be times of frustration, with passive-aggressive, angry crap that will come my way, but today wasn't that day, and for that I am grateful. So, wish me luck, fellow bloggers, and that things will continue to go well for all of the involved parties. P.S. Gluby did get a smack for playing with me at the beginning of the conversation. Obnoxious little sh......

Let's hope for the best

It is done.

It

Well, the letter telling my family I no longer believe the church is true is finally is finished. I am planning on sending it tonight.

Feeling Poetic

I am not usually one to write a poem, but today this one just kind of wrote itself as I was, once again, working on "It." ("It," for those who many not know what I'm talking about, is the letter I am going to send to my family to tell them about my lack of belief in the Mormon Church. But, shhhh, I said I wasn't going to mention the letter again until I sent it, so I am trying to be stealthy and just type "It.")

When I am alone with my thoughts
what do I think? How do I feel
when I am not trying to convince others or myself
that I no longer believe it to be true?
When the wall of protective confidence
no longer shields me from me,
what do I believe?

I actually spend a large part of my time trying not to think about this stuff too deeply because the pain, anger, loneliness, fear, sadness, etc. can be overwhelming. So, as I sat here really thinking about this stuff for a change, I found myself thinking, "do I really believe it isn't true? I mean, my actions and words would suggest that, but do I really believe that it is not true? What do I believe?"

I think there is a difference in who I am consciously and subconsciously. Consciously, I think I am not longer Mormon, but my subconscious is still trying to break out of the Mormon thought/feeling pattern. When I think about my mission, or who always I thought I would be, or who I wanted to be, I start to feel sad or disappointed in myself and feel a sense of loss, or I feel like I have let people down. Yet, when I think about where I am at this moment, I feel like I am in the right spot, the only spot I could be in. At least this isn't a confusing time, right?

For those who may not have read it yet, Jer also touched upon this subject in this excellent post. I am definitely mourning the loss of "unfulfilled expectations," and at times still grasp with an "iron-fist" to old ideals, because I always thought I would end up a certain person and be a certain way and feel a need to flail toward them when I feel lost and directionless.

Happy May Day

I have been having anxious dreams every night for the past week and I am so tired. I wake up around 4:30 or 5:30 every morning and sleep fitfully until 7. This morning I read my "Wobblies!" sociology book until 8 and then got up to get the boys ready for the day. I need some good, deep sleep. I can tell my tiredness isn't just from lack of sleep however. It's too bone deep.

I found out today that a friend is being shipped out to Iraq a lot earlier than she expected. She found out a couple of months ago that she was going (she's in the reserves and I had hoped she wouldn't be called), but expected to leave toward the end of June. She is getting her orders in 1-2 days and will leave probably in a week. If so, she misses her oldest son's 5th B-day, which is on Mother's Day. I cry for her, for her sons, for her marriage, for the things she will miss, for the things she will have to experience. I hope that the war only separates this family for the year (yah, whatever, let's just be real and say 16 months) that she is supposed to be gone and that they can get one relatively well after she comes home (I don't dare think of the other option right now. I am too emotional already).

There are so many lives which have been lost and ruined because war and other situations similar though they may not be called a war. I have always felt badly for the struggles and hardships people have had because of decisions people with power have made, but this one is really hurting the most right now.